This morning, at work, I felt it coming on.  The emotions.  After reading a few blogs and ending up on an old post about the movie “Up”  I just had to cry it out.  This waiting period, this two week wait or whatever you want to call it…I prefer MTT (mental torture time)…is simply an exercise in time filling.

I think I’m also feeling strangely down since yesterday since the cramping/bloating I was feeling after transfer has disappeared completely.  Strange, right?  That I would lament NOT feeling awful?  But that feeling was my only link to the possibility of something actually happening.  Now, I just feel like I do when I’m taking Endometrin…tired and crabby.  I mean, I don’t even have the stupid cramps today.  Nothing.  I woke up this morning from some crrrrrrazy dreams, though.  But that tends to happen when you eat dinner and literally pass out right after for the night.  The whole crazy dream thing can be easily duplicated with an order of Mushroom Masalawala and a nap.

Christ on a CRACKER!  I sound like a crazy person!

This process makes us crazy mental patients.  Analyzing every migraine, flutter, pop, poop, and smell.  Making something out of nothing.  I have even read women who insist their NAILS were growing faster in the 2ww so that HAD TO mean SOMETHING….RIGHT?  See?  Mental patients.

I am putting so much pressure on myself this round.  We most likely cannot afford another cycle anytime soon so this feels so final.  Yeah, we have eggs frozen, but let’s be honest here…they were 4-cells at best.  I just can’t see how that is nothing more than a pipe dream.  And the concept of beginning the adoption process seems like Mt. Everest, not to mention the cost factor involved there often exceeds IVF!

I guess the main point here is that, at least emotionally, I am losing hope.  I can’t concentrate and can’t set myself up for the pain of another BFN by trying to think PUPO.  I can drink as many spinach fruit smoothies as I want…it’s not going to be the miraculous potion that stops my endo and my cysts and allows those embies to stick.  It will be what it will be and it’s killing me.

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