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I have been on a superstitious bender as of late. Convinced that if I updated, something would go wrong. I have lost the capacity for rational thought when it comes to these treatments.  Please don’t judge me.
Needless to say, here I am…so allow me to catch you up.

Dec. 1st: We finally made it to transfer. Everything went smoothly. Transferred 2 frosties (One 8-cell, one 5-cell).  The worst part was keeping the full bladder. Once the transfer was complete, I had to lay there for 30 minutes before I could get up and relieve myself.  When I say we literally counted the seconds, I am not kidding.   I took the rest of the day on the couch and the following day as well.  Chris was my sweet, doting, fantastic champ the whole time.

Onto 2ww.

Dec 11th: Almost at the end of the 2ww with beta on Monday, Dec 14th.  Does the waiting suck something awful? You bet. Do I feel like the transfer took? Depends on what time of day you ask. I mostly feel nothing.

I feel like this didn’t work at all. There are also times I have had strange pings and pangs, similar to menstrual cramping. Y’know that kind of cramping…where it’s not a literal “cramp”, but an odd centrally located crampish feeling? I dunno, it’s hard to describe. I can only say it’s the same kind of feeling when I have AF.  I have noticed it at night, or when I am sitting or lying down.

I had noticed that on 2dpt & 3dpt I had lots of watery CM.  So much so I had to put on a pantyliner.  At 9dpt I had a bout of CM that looked like my kaslopis had a cold.  Goopy, greenish/yellow CM that looked like…yeah, I’m gonna say it….snot.  Isn’t this process just lovely? I’m dreaming every single night and sleeping very well.

But all these things I have described can be attributed to the 2cc’s of PIO that DH shoots me up with every morning.   See, the of the side effects of Progesterone are identical to pregnancy symptoms.  Couple that with the Estradiol and this is just my body and my mind playing tricks on me.

Dec 14th (Beta Day): Took an HPT this morning…what a BFN joke that was.  Once the beta results came in around 3pm, it solidified it.   Negative, negative, negative.  So there it is.  At least my ass will get a break from those morning PIO shots.  At least I know now that the PIO gives me all the side effect symptoms of a pregnancy.  At least we know what to expect for the next time.  Right?

Honestly, I am sad.  You never want to get your hopes too far up there, but you almost can’t help it at times.  I think to myself: “This is something I am made to do!”.  “Why can’t I just do it already?”.  It took us three years to get to this transfer.  I hung lots of great expectations on it with the full knowledge that it most likely won’t take.  It hurts.  It will pass…but it hurts right now.

Dec 16th: So, here we are.  I have a great big bottle of Prosecco that has my name on it this Friday.  Chris is taking the hopeful road and looking onto our next transfer.  We have stopped the PIO injections as of Dec 15th along with the Estadiol.  I now wait for AF to come to the party so we can start this process again.  We remain humbled with full knowledge that our situation could be so much worse.  Trying to say positive here.

And THAT is December 2009 for us.   TAH-DAHHHHH!

Onward to 2010 and another shot at frozen embryo transfer.

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w.t.f?

w.t.f?

I feel like I am always bitching about one thing or another on this blog, but it was started for the purpose of venting…so, there you go.

Having said that…I have to mention that I don’t need to hear another story from people who think they understand this process or about how so and so is just like me and finally got pregnant..after 12 YEARS of trying…or how so and so’s uterus fell out while she was giving birth and SHE did IVF.  I mean, how dense are some people?  I’m all happy that “12 years” finally had their kid or that “sliding uterus” actually gave birth, but really?  Really?  This doesn’t help, people.  It’s just…well…it’s rude.  That’s right, I said it.  Rude.  If you really want to talk to me about it…TALK to me.  Don’t give me ham-handed accounts of these horror stories to try to relate.  It will always fail to do what you want it to do.  You will always be insulting and hurtful however good your intentions are.  Ugh, that sounds harsh…but it’s how I’m feeling right now.

It’s something I never understood from the beginning of this journey.  I would read blogs, message boards and support sites and felt like these women were super sensitive.  I used to think, “ok ladies, get over yourselves.  it’s not ALL about YOU and YOUR drama.”  But a funny thing happened…I started IVF.  I began to realize how it really can break you down.  I started to feel like I was going mad.  I started to understand.

It’s not all about “them” or me, it’s about feeling as if you are redefining yourself as a woman in some ways.  It’s not about “drama”, it’s about struggle, disappointment, longing, confusion, desperation, sadness and hope. I don’t want to imply that nobody can ever understand or relate unless they go through this process.  I am just saying that there are complexities involved that are a suprise when they rise to the surface.   Noboby can prepare you for it, so just please, be gentle.

We have our first frozen embryo transfer this month.  We could very concieveabley be completely and totally unsuccessful after all we have been through.  It’s a bitter thought and one I have to keep preparing myself for.  It’s easy to get good news.  It’s the bad you have to pad the landing for.

Sad

Woke up this morning with pain and pressure and knowledge that this transfer was not going to happen today.  I had a full bladder for the ultrasound, so the car ride into the city was torture with each and every bump.  Once we walked into the clinic, nurse looked at me and her face just dropped.  Usually women arrive for their transfer excited and relieved to finally be at that stage of the IVF process, but today I was just worried and in pain, and she saw it clear as day.

I explained my situation and they did and ultrasound to see if there was any fluid in the abdominal cavity or uterus, which there was none.  We discussed options with Dr. C who is just wonderful.  We have not doubted his council or expertise once throughout this whole process and today was just another one of those days that confirmed our choice of RE as a stellar one.  Basically, out of the seven fertilized eggs, three are 8 cell, two are 6 and two are 4-5 cell.  Dr. C was thrilled to see what good quality they were and advised the option to freeze and do a FET in July.  This will allow me time to recover from what feels like OHSS and (as I like to call it) prep the landing pad of my uterus for those snowbabies in July.

The obvious risk here is to do the transfer today.  If I get pregnant there is a more than likely risk I would have a more severe stage of OHSS which could mean a trip to the emergency room or possible loss of pregnancy.  Being that both my ovaries are big right now (one being so big it’s nestled right on top of my uterus) any more growth would be disastrous.

So….

The bad —- the fact that we will have to wait, that I am in pain now, that our chances for pregnancy with an FET is diminished by 3-4%.

The good —- that I get some pain meds for the pain (oh, Liza!), that I will have recovery time, that I don’t have to worry when I am home for vacation about drinking wine or lifting my nephews/nieces, that I can be in the best possible shape for those embies to be put inside me.

This hasn’t been a pleasant few days since retrieval comfortwise but somehow I knew deep inside that our patience would be tested again.  We will continue with the PIO shots for 10 days and once I get my period I start BCP’s and will call the clinic.  All in all we are trying to look at the upside of all this and keep on keepin’ on.

Apart from thinking that my Ovidrel shot was going to turn me into some lizard creature while I slept, the only side effects I feel are the bloat.  My lower abdomen is just full and I have some light cramps.

We are to report to the clinic tomorrow by 1:15pm for our retrieval so I am not allowed any food or drink after midnight tonight.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.

Physically: Having to sit all day at work and being this bloated is supremely uncomfortable.   I keep having to stand and walk around just to get the cramping to ease.  Something tells me that I won’t be feeling much better on Friday either, but whaddya gonna do? I also feel extremely sleepy today, like if I sit still for any extended amount of time, I could just drift off into a nap.  Wonder if that’s all the meds?

Totally craved egg mcmuffins something awful this morning but I did the right thing and had my 4 egg whites.  Also had my Fage yogurt and spinach/arugula/goat cheese/edamame salad….but, seriously, I would  dance naked in the rain for a cheeseburger.

Mentally:  I am excited.  I have to be honest, I am.  There is a need to tamp down expectations here because I fight thinking beyond Thursday or the weekend for fear of getting any hopes up.  I am so pleased we got this far and don’t want to start flying off into fantasy territory.  Yesterday I was walking down our hallway and the thought popped into my head “which room would be the nursery?” and I had to bat it away, had to smite it from the brain receptors!  I can already try to imagine the horrible disappointment we would feel when the call came in that our beta stunk and nothing took, or that they only got 3 eggs and they look terrible, or that nothing fertilized…see? I could go on all day like this!

Anyhow…going to keep even keel and think like Sully.  Steady as she goes.

Cyclesista

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