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Well, my chickadees…looks like this FET ain’t happenin’ anytime soon.

Went in for a SHG this morning only to find out three things:

1) My left ovarian cyst has grown and the doc is adamant that the ovary, at last, needs to be removed.

2) They also had a hard time getting the catheter into my uterus given all the lovely polyps that came about.  So that will need to be addressed before we do any more transfers…’cause really, what’s the point of transfer with all that crap going on.

3) Our original RE has left and moved on to a new hospital.

Ok, first of all, we always knew that left ovary was a goner at some point.  It just sucks that it has to happen now and like this.  Just when we were getting back on track.  Ugh, anyway, it’s for the best at the end of the day.  These things need to be addressed.  That left ovary has caused me so many problems over the past few years, and was producing so poorly during stims that it makes sense we bid it adieu at last.  According to doc, it would have eventually been the cause of many problems (some of which I had a nasty preview of a couple of years back) and I don’t really need to be waking up with obstructed bowels or ovarian torsion any day soon.  I got enough problems, thank you.

The polyps were an issue before.  Cleaned up at laparotomy #2 but since my last period, they have grown back.

Dr. C. being gone was a surprise.  To be honest, he was all but absent from our last retrieval/transfer and the RE who ended up doing it all is head of the practice anyway.  We like him a lot and feel good staying under his care as we continue.  I told Chris I feel an almost mystical connection to the guy now since he was basically the doc in charge who got us pregnant earlier this year.  He will be doing my lap along with another doc who worked on me at lap #2.  I’m just a regular patron there!  They alllllll know me.

So, it’s onto laparotomy #3 for me…

…yay…

..I mean, YAYYYY!!!  Right?

Yay, I’ll be positive about this.  Yay, it’s for the best.  Yay, time to buck up and see the good side of more major surgery.

Right?

*sigh*

When are we ever gonna catch a break?

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Well, another ultrasound/blood work appointment down.

R Ovary: 17,15,15,14,13.5, 13.5, 13, 12, 12, 11, 10 and a few less than 10mm.

That’s twelve follies on my superchamp right side!

L Ovary: 15 & 11.5.  Yeah, well, we knew this going in.

Lining: 11

Estrogen: 1016

We go back in on Sunday for another monitoring appointment to see where I’m at.  The nurse seemed to think I could possibly trigger either Sunday or Monday night depending on results.  So, I am pleased that there is some action going on now.

After our appointment, Chris and I stopped to get some breakfast.  We are always super hungry after these morning deals and decided today that we would sit down to a proper meal.  And boy did we eat.  Eggs, hash browns, bacon, 1/2 waffle!  It hit the spot.  Only problem was that spot hit back around 11am.  It’s still hitting me.  I was half convinced I had food poisoning or the stomach flu for a moment there.  Bullet dodged.  (Although, I am still having tummy pains. Ugh)

Now, let’s talk for a moment about Follistim- shall we?

We try to order our meds on an as needed basis each cycle.  I mean, with enough for a little wiggle room, but we don’t go all whole hog on the meds the nurse calls in.  It’s just too damn expensive when you pay out-of-pocket.  Well, late this afternoon, we found ourselves a wee bit stressed out to find that we were not given the order to trigger this weekend.  This left us, at end of work day, with a limited amount of Follistim to carry us past Sunday.  Add in the fact that we could not get a shipment of extra Follistim until Monday (plus we didn’t want to rely on the fact that our Dr. would have a back up).  Chris scrambled and did some research, some experimenting and found out that these lovely Follistim vials have extra medication in them.  I feel like a dunderhead and when we pulled out our old Folli pen from last cycle, there was at least three to five extra injections left!!!!  ((facepalm))  Too bad it’s expired.  Grrrrr.

Turns out that we can literally squeeze every drop outta these bad boys and still be fine for Monday.  Big, double “WHEW” on that one.  I was on the precipice of meltdown mode at the thought of plunking down $800 bucks on more meds for just two days.

So, onward to Sunday.

As I played detective last week, I had figured out that exactly 20 minutes after each Endometrin insert, I have mild cramping. Around 1 hour after, nausea. It’s like clockwork. Further proof that Progesterone causes false pregnancy symptoms for me.  It should give me some measure of control or knowledge over these cycles.  It should help me feel in tune with my body, that I can detect these slight changes and have the wherewithal to understand that it is not a pregnancy, but simple side effects.  Instead, it makes me feel foolish and cheated.

Our beta was a flat failure yesterday.  I was expecting it, but it did not lessen the hurt or quell the tears that followed the news.  I ended up skipping class and coming straight home from work, where sweet Chris was waiting for me with a hug, a kiss and a cocktail.  We are sad.  Well, sad…and I’m mad.  Yeah, that’s right…I’m royally pissed off.  I am angry at all these excuses for parents that try to get rid of their kids or abandon them.  Don’t even get me started on this shit.  I am sick to hell of the over sharing stay-at-home, loser “Facebook Mombies” who are too obsessed with their own spawn to see straight.  I am sick of stupid friends who think it’s so easy for me to just get over this and step away for a year.  WTF is that and who are they to tell me that?  It’s like telling a cancer patient to eat more leafy greens so they can get better!  WHAT?  How hard is it to try some sensitivity and understanding?  Jesus Christ!  See?  It’s all just flapping in the breeze.

Whew.  It felt good to get that out.  It’s not fair for me to knock some of these people, but they just anger me to no end. I spend so much of my day putting on a brave face.  Taking all the stupid comments in stride.  Trying to see all the positives…but sometimes it is just too much and I gotta let it out.

I guess it’s the stages of grief.  I was in denial…for a little while there.  Now I am entering the anger and isolation part.  I can see that.  I have no desire to talk to anyone at all.  No desire to see anyone.   I am embracing it as best I can.  I am raging and letting it all hang out, because that’s who I am and that’s what I do.  Suppressing all these feelings does me no good and does my husband no good.

There is a line that keeps running through my head which sums up how I feel right now perfectly…

“I’m not bitter. I’m mad as hell.” – Helen; Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Ugh, anyway…we will be meeting with Dr. C next week.  I have a list of questions about FSH levels, AMH tests, Clomid Challenges, Micro-IVF and so much more.   We are also toying with taking off March & April for some personal time.  It is obviously sorely needed.  Maybe I can chill out a little bit more and reconcile all these feelings I am going through right now.


"I'm Confused"

It’s been a confusing few days here.  Regardless of me stopping BCPs on Tuesday and taking my 20 units of Lupron nightly, the bleeding has not eased the way I hoped it would.  I called Dr.’s office on Friday and left message for a nurse to call me back.  I never got a call.  This frustrated me…a lot.

I finally just sat down with Chris and tapped out an email to my Dr. and shot it over as a last resort.  I didn’t want to call his service as I am not in pain, I needed direction.  Just to indicate how much my RE rocks…he wrote me right back.  Eased my mind and basically explained what he thinks the deal is here:

 

         In a nutshell…he thinks my uterus is confused. 

I have been instructed to stop Lupron and begin taking BCPs 2x a day for at least 1-2 weeks.  Apparently, after starting this, my bleeding should stop in a few days.  If it does not, then that might mean the endometrial lining is thicker than it should be and we might have to take further action more quickly.

 

So that’s the deal.  We are frustrated at our circumstances but we are also comfortable with the knowledge that we are in the right hands.  I wish this weren’t happening.  I wish we could move on our transfer date as scheduled, but patience is once again the only thing on the menu…and I’m not really in the mood to eat. 

Oh well, time to work up an appetite.

Cyclesista

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