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Coupla questions:

1. How long would you stay in a brain numbing dead end job in a crap area that pays dirt, with people you mostly tolerate,  and offers no advancement whatsoever but provides health insurance?

2. Has anyone ever dealt with being between jobs without insurance or paid for theirs out of pocket during fertility treatments?

3. Any advice for coping with #1 after 3 years?

Sometimes you get good news, sometimes you get bad news.  Today we got an inkling of good news…my estrogen levels are <32.  Small thing, right?  Big thing to me.  Hey, I’m taking all I can get these days.

We met with Dr. C today and had our teaching.  It really is something to sit there and talk through all of these shots you will eventually be either given or be giving yourself.  *Gulp.  Amazing how you just push yourself to get over the fear of needles right quick. 

Chris spent the better portion of this afternoon pricing out our meds, seeing if we could cut some cost down.  He is a prince.  Our situation is unique since my three month Lupron stint has me supressed already and we need to jump on that fact quickly.  Unfortunately, this leave us less than 48 hours to firm up our financing, get our meds and clear the time for our next ultrasound.  Oy. VEY.

But, here we go…ready or not.


Mood swings off the charts–Sometimes I actually fall into despair: “…this is just not worth it… I have totally lost the idea of what having a child even means at this point…This is all so meaningless…”  Add to that some pretty nasty irritability and I am ready to pop off at a moments notice.  Brain thumping headaches that don’t always go away with that prescription dose of Ibuprofen. Like, the kind that hurt behind your eyes?
And the wost?…soreness.  HORRIBLY sore. I take off my bra and it hurts. I dare wear a tee shirt without a one and it feels like I ran two marathons back to back.  An almost unfair level of soreness.  I now sleep in a sports bra all the time.

On another note…still waiting to see what will happen with our second Lupron shot.  We are in the middle of a “who receives?” volley of phone calls and I think I unwittingly set my OBGyn’s nurses against my RE’s nurses.   It’s a virtual medical smack-down.  Tune in later to see who wins…

We have a new President.  My shoulders are just a little less heavy this year with that knowledge and the hope that he brings to our country as well as the future support of scientific research.  So, speaking of science…or stem cells…or embryos…we circle back to earth and back to this blog.  Got the first of three shots of Lupron out of the way and husband currently doe-se-does with insurance company to finagle those shots for coverage somehow.

Now it’s two more shots and we don’t know what after that.

"Raising Arizona"

Emotionally:  I am watching my niece and nephews just sprout like weeds and we are home gushing over our dog because she’s all we got.  Your basic pity party.  Chris is much better at dealing sometimes. You find yourself walking the delicate balance tightrope of being so thrilled for your loved ones & family, simply adoring the kids but also feeling completely awful and hopeless for your own chances, it’s awful.  Chris has a way of seeing the good side of this journey while I, on the other hand, cannot deal sometimes.  I bounce from feeling horrible and jealous to admonishing myself for feeling horrible and jealous. I have a warm home, a good partner & friend by my side, a wonderful,  sweet pooch, loving family and friends…what right do I have to feel like this?  Y’know?  Many people have been through far worse. I am my own worst critic usually without fail.  It’s exhausting and ridiculous!


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July 2020


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