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Sad

Woke up this morning with pain and pressure and knowledge that this transfer was not going to happen today.  I had a full bladder for the ultrasound, so the car ride into the city was torture with each and every bump.  Once we walked into the clinic, nurse looked at me and her face just dropped.  Usually women arrive for their transfer excited and relieved to finally be at that stage of the IVF process, but today I was just worried and in pain, and she saw it clear as day.

I explained my situation and they did and ultrasound to see if there was any fluid in the abdominal cavity or uterus, which there was none.  We discussed options with Dr. C who is just wonderful.  We have not doubted his council or expertise once throughout this whole process and today was just another one of those days that confirmed our choice of RE as a stellar one.  Basically, out of the seven fertilized eggs, three are 8 cell, two are 6 and two are 4-5 cell.  Dr. C was thrilled to see what good quality they were and advised the option to freeze and do a FET in July.  This will allow me time to recover from what feels like OHSS and (as I like to call it) prep the landing pad of my uterus for those snowbabies in July.

The obvious risk here is to do the transfer today.  If I get pregnant there is a more than likely risk I would have a more severe stage of OHSS which could mean a trip to the emergency room or possible loss of pregnancy.  Being that both my ovaries are big right now (one being so big it’s nestled right on top of my uterus) any more growth would be disastrous.

So….

The bad —- the fact that we will have to wait, that I am in pain now, that our chances for pregnancy with an FET is diminished by 3-4%.

The good —- that I get some pain meds for the pain (oh, Liza!), that I will have recovery time, that I don’t have to worry when I am home for vacation about drinking wine or lifting my nephews/nieces, that I can be in the best possible shape for those embies to be put inside me.

This hasn’t been a pleasant few days since retrieval comfortwise but somehow I knew deep inside that our patience would be tested again.  We will continue with the PIO shots for 10 days and once I get my period I start BCP’s and will call the clinic.  All in all we are trying to look at the upside of all this and keep on keepin’ on.

road-block

We finally met with Dr. C and it now appears that we were correct about those tubes.  Onward to IVF.   It gets exhausting trying to remain positive when you have years of crap news, but Chris has insisted I recite the “Optimist Creed” when I get Chekhovian about it.  I just have a hard time seeing us having any kids of our own at this point.  You know when you can picture how things could go?  You can visualize the outcome of whatever obstacle you face or journey you’re on? Call me dramatic, pessimistic, maudlin, dark..whatever… but I am just so tired of hoping for an outcome that appears so far from reach.  I mean, the only reliable outcome of the whole process has been that we continuously have bumps in the road.

I did try looking into the adoption process today.  Started by reading a few blogs of women who had dealt with it…aaand that was pretty much a bad idea.  It was a little  overwhelming right now.  I have to give serious credit to those women who have dealt with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI’s, failed AI’s, failed IVF’s – yet keep on pushing forward.  They are the light on this path that helps me have an inkling of hope that with the worst tests life has for us, there is a path through the thicket.  Trying to shake this numbing echo chamber of sad regarding all that is going on for us currently is not a thing I can do.  I try all the time.

I know that Chris bears much of the unseen burden as we go on this journey.  He absorbs so much of the misery I throw around that he should get an award for bravery.  He is my good partner, helping cut down insurance red tape, dealing with industry sheeple who cockblock true help at every turn and most importantly – he gives me incredible love and understanding.  I only hope I am able to offer him as much in return as I try to fight off my negativity.

blocked-tubes

Ok, that HSG I had on Wednesday…well, it sucked.  I have TWO blocked tubes now from the looks of it.  Or as the Doctor on call put it “bad for you, but fascinating to see.”  Well, thanks Doc…normally I can feel that bad all by myself- I don’t need any help.  I completely broke down to Chris after the procedure was over, like some awful Lifetime made for TV movie.  It it amazing how something like that can take it out of you after three years of trying.  So now we wait for our follow up with Dr. C on April 8th.

What is there to say?  My sobfest was just further proof that this has consumed me emotionally and I have to smack myself daily to not sink into a goofy state over it.  And what so many people fail to understand is that  it’s really so much more that just “getting pregnant”.  You get the sense that your very definition of a woman it irrevocably linked to being able to have your own child.  It’s a shitty deal sometimes when that starts to play out backwards.

I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow and I will once again attempt to avoid the mine field of inevitable questions. I honestly just want it to be over with quickly.

360742nurse-holding-hypodermic-needle-posters

Mood swings off the charts–Sometimes I actually fall into despair: “…this is just not worth it… I have totally lost the idea of what having a child even means at this point…This is all so meaningless…”  Add to that some pretty nasty irritability and I am ready to pop off at a moments notice.  Brain thumping headaches that don’t always go away with that prescription dose of Ibuprofen. Like, the kind that hurt behind your eyes?
And the wost?…soreness.  HORRIBLY sore. I take off my bra and it hurts. I dare wear a tee shirt without a one and it feels like I ran two marathons back to back.  An almost unfair level of soreness.  I now sleep in a sports bra all the time.

On another note…still waiting to see what will happen with our second Lupron shot.  We are in the middle of a “who receives?” volley of phone calls and I think I unwittingly set my OBGyn’s nurses against my RE’s nurses.   It’s a virtual medical smack-down.  Tune in later to see who wins…

Cyclesista

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