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It’s another page turned in our book as we close the chapter on this first IVF cycle with our final failed FET and subsequent follow-up with Dr. C.  There is no reason to not go forward with another IVF attempt but we did begin the discussion of “donor” eggs.  It made my heart sink a little bit, because it’s the first time we started having that kind of conversation with our doctor.  It just struck home that mother nature has her course and she’s not open to negotiations.

So…we are taking a break for two months to just clear our heads, eat sushi, drink wine and hopefully travel and I am very much looking forward to it, because truth be told we needed the time off.  There always runs a risk with endometriosis that with each period, more damage is done and more tissue takes hold…but it is what it is and we have to run this race according to our needs.  And this experimental brood mare needs a break.

I feel like this experience has changed me in so many ways.  It’s like you zigzag through stages of grief, like scratch vinyl on a DJ’s turntable.  Since as long as I can remember, it was ingrained that “woman has baby”.  It’s drummed into your head with every doll you get, it’s drummed out with every sex-ed class, it comes back around when you grow out into a young woman and begin romantic relationships…it seems to somehow define what you are.  Once you find that you cannot do this thing, you beat yourself up every time you get the next pregnancy announcement and rage at every news story about another deadbeat mom.  That shell-shocked feeling of worthlessness is something no person on this earth or otherwise can prepare you for.  So you ride it out and hope you get through each day, and the next, and the next.

It has forced me to see my path as a female in a different light.  There is a possibility I will never have my own child.  That I will never know what it feels like to carry  my baby and feel them inside me moving about.  Suffer through the swollen boobs, morning sickness, contractions and birth that is so a part of what some define as “motherhood”.  I am finally understanding…(and it makes me even tear up typing this)…the “moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from.” are every definition of “Mom” that I ever knew.

We all meet challenges that change the course of our lives.  I am finally beginning to understand that it’s how we overcome those challenges that define who we are.

Oy vey, look at me waxing all philosophical.

Pass the nigiri.


We finally met with Dr. C and it now appears that we were correct about those tubes.  Onward to IVF.   It gets exhausting trying to remain positive when you have years of crap news, but Chris has insisted I recite the “Optimist Creed” when I get Chekhovian about it.  I just have a hard time seeing us having any kids of our own at this point.  You know when you can picture how things could go?  You can visualize the outcome of whatever obstacle you face or journey you’re on? Call me dramatic, pessimistic, maudlin, dark..whatever… but I am just so tired of hoping for an outcome that appears so far from reach.  I mean, the only reliable outcome of the whole process has been that we continuously have bumps in the road.

I did try looking into the adoption process today.  Started by reading a few blogs of women who had dealt with it…aaand that was pretty much a bad idea.  It was a little  overwhelming right now.  I have to give serious credit to those women who have dealt with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI’s, failed AI’s, failed IVF’s – yet keep on pushing forward.  They are the light on this path that helps me have an inkling of hope that with the worst tests life has for us, there is a path through the thicket.  Trying to shake this numbing echo chamber of sad regarding all that is going on for us currently is not a thing I can do.  I try all the time.

I know that Chris bears much of the unseen burden as we go on this journey.  He absorbs so much of the misery I throw around that he should get an award for bravery.  He is my good partner, helping cut down insurance red tape, dealing with industry sheeple who cockblock true help at every turn and most importantly – he gives me incredible love and understanding.  I only hope I am able to offer him as much in return as I try to fight off my negativity.


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July 2020


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