Just sitting at work recalling a conversation I had with a co-worker back when I was deep in the the depths of despair regarding our infertility issues. She confided in me at the time that, although she desperately loved her children, she perhaps wouldn’t have gone down that route if she could do it all over again. At first I thought she was just saying this to make me feel better, but she was quick to explain that she knew other mothers who felt the same. They loved their kids, but were not so in love with how drastically their lives truly changed once they looked back on it.  The concepts of “losing” oneself and”giving up” huge parts of who one is came up…a lot.  Given all the variables…this conversation stuck in a dark corner of my mind ever since.

I decided to do a quick Google today and came across this post .

I obviously don’t know.

It’s a complex, tough and divisive question.  The responses are enlightening and run the gamut.

Maybe I’ve just had too much time to consider all this.  Maybe I’m starting to truly let go and this is the pathway out. Who knows?

It’s still an interesting question though.

Given how the “pre-structured” happiness pathway is traditionally put to us as: love / marriage / the baby carriage…is it worth contemplating if it’s been a good deal of peer pressure all along?

I’m sitting here at work, having undergone a third failed IVF cycle, thinking I was such a pro that it wouldn’t affect me if it didn’t work out.   Who was I kidding?

I write this into the void as I have all but dropped off the blogosphere map this past year and stepped back from infertility and stepped away from the online world.  Reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it made me crazy and it was a much needed sanity break.  So here I am, back to square one and finding no other way to get these feelings off my mind and my heart.  I can’t burden my very understanding and supportive husband anymore with this.  I lean on him so hard and so often I can’t imagine how he is still of such steady mind when it comes to me and how I am dealing with our situation.  I just feel like a big, fat broken record.

The friends I have either don’t have children, have children butd don’t know the first thing of what it’s like to be in our situation, or HAVE been through IVF but are busy with the new babies that resulted from it.  I feel exhausted at the prospect of discussing it, yet I need to do something because I am overcome with sadness today.  I can’t cry anymore.  I can’t handle this pressure on my heart because I feel like it’s breaking.   Every time I think we are done with this avenue, we go back down it and I get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.

I’m not ready for adoption.  I am terrified of it.  In fact, the next person who blithely mentions it to me as some solution to how I feel might just get a verbal shower of profanity in which I make some suggestions to them about how they should be living their lives.  I’m just sick of it.

Can’t be sad anymore because you can’t have babies.  Just adopt and get over it already.   I mean, I have the solution so stop whining.  Stop crying.  Get over this selfish desire to have YOUR OWN child already.  It’s SOOOOO SELFISH!!!  You don’t come to events enough.  You don’t travel enough to come see us.  You don’t do enough for US!!  This whole infertility thing is such a cramp in how we want YOU to operate in OUR lives.

Yes, it’s put a big cramp in our lives as well but how am I supposed to start letting go of this?  Can someone give me the answer for that?  How do I start to let go?  Because until I can let go of  giving birth to our child, I will never be ready to adopt someone elses.  I’m not sure I am ready to give up, so how do I deal with this?  Where do I turn now?

Oh my god, my heart hurts so much today.

Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed has been an absolutely tireless force in her work advocating for all of us.  We need to carry the torch and use our voices and our stories to be heard now by our representatives.   If you’ve had a baby already, if you haven’t…if you have struggled, or even if you KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS CURRENTLY STRUGGLING…take a few minutes to advocate for the cause.  Please!  Share this…spread the word!!

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) has officially introduced the Family Act into the Senate (S. 965)!!!

Send an email to your Senators encouraging them to co-sponsor the Family Act here.

I’ve contacted my representatives.

Have you?

I have tried to focus on what to write over these past few months but just can’t give infertility, that fickle bitch, much more of my energy and time.  It’s been a good run but we are moving on.  Finishing out our final FET sometime in the next month, but honestly…I can’t blog anymore.  It’s not helping the way it used to…its giving me laser focus on our conception issues and with that I had slowly lost focus on the rest of my life.

I cannot express my absolute gratitude for all of you amazing, utterly incredible and inspiring women.  You have strength and fortitude that helps me realize that I am not alone.  I am eternally grateful for your support, comments, good-will, empathy, jokes and camaraderie over these past two years.  It has meant so much to me.

I am still checking in on you all.  I haven’t fallen off the earth…lol.  I am woefully behind on some commenting, but always checking in.  I promise you.

So, we have registered to run the Chicago Marathon this year.  Now, instead of worrying about E2 levels, I’m focusing on run pace, instead of counting cycle days, it’s training miles.  It’s something that I am seeing results from.  I run and push myself, I get faster…results.  And real “results” is something that has been so lacking for us lately.  It is a far cry from the negative cycles, let-downs and delays even when we did every single thing right.  It’s my big “fuck you” to mother nature, perhaps.   : )  Retooling and refocusing to move on career-wise as well…so, wheels are in motion, dust is blown off, and gears oiled to move forward.

And it just feels right.

Anyhow, I just wanted to post this and let you guys know that I didn’t drop off the earth.  I am still here, albeit in a quiet way for now, and I wish you all your bliss…in whatever form it takes and in whatever way you find it!

Love to you all!!!




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