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We all deal with stress in life, and mine is no different or better or worse or significant in any way.

I am a stress eater.  I mention it all the time here and in my daily life, so this is really not a confession or anything.  It’s a fact.  I could stop and redirect my stress reduction to working out again, or banging the hell out of a pipe with a socket wrench…but no, I choose to eat.  Last night it was a delicious pair of french bread pizzas.

This process…this bizarre ‘Patience Exam’ as I like to think of it, has been  for me, like some horrible reality show.  Feeling like there are cameras on you with each disappointment, like you are whining for the 400th time about how hard this all is as the nation mocks you.  I had a dream last night that I was sitting in bed watching “The Daily Show” as I usually do.  Jon Stewart was doing his usual satirical take on this, that, or the other thing…and then he turned his aim on me.  ME?  I sat up in bed like “Whuh!?”

And I sat there, in this dream state, watching my whole self get torn to shreds on national tv.  Watching this guy just pick apart my behavior throughout this whole infertility process, my crying, my bitching, my jealousy, my bitterness, my darkness, my laughter, my issues.  On and on.  Tearing apart my entire person.  My entire self.  It. was. humiliating.

Of course it was a dream…but nevertheless…I woke up feeling very small and very alone.  Dreams have a way of lingering after waking from them; like cigarette smoke after a party.  They force you to examine.  To be introspective.   I have been a banshee from time to time throughout this journey and my husband has taken the brunt of it.  I lay out my mea culpas for all to see as I am human and prone to these fits of agony and ecstasy on a whim.

Maybe the dream was just fears personified or maybe it really just was those french bread pizzas digesting.

Maybe I should cut the carbs and start a rock garden.

Or maybe I just need to recalibrate my perspective.

Either way, as of this moment…I am just waiting for AF to show her face so we can move on to our FET.


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July 2020


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