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Hulk Smash

Bleeding has ceased.  Insanity has begun.

It’s either the BCPs or I’m just slipping into the crazy place, but I feel off the wall.  So often throughout the ART processes, you end up injecting/ingesting a cocktail of hormonal, chemical, synthetically engineered meds that invariably turn you into a walking petri dish.   Since January I have either been injecting high/low doses of Lupron Acetate, or Menopur, or Follistim, or stopping/starting  extended packs of Reclipsen (BCP) skipping those little “inactive” sugar pills.  I think I have lost the “touchstone” of my balanced, normal self.

I threw a hair-clip at my husband last night….over laundry duties.  A Hair-clip got air over putting away socks and underwear. It’s just the start of this pressure cooker of emotion that wells up when things get off kilter.  It’s pressure enough being in this place, feeling lost or a mess.  But to add this unstable feeling to it all…it’s unnerving.  I feel like some twisted, big, pink, hormonal Hulk.  What is going on hormones??? I honestly don’t know where I end and this Pink nut-job begins.

It’s time to cash in that Spa Gift Certificate I got for my birthday.

*Update:  Got word from Dr.s office to reduce back to 1 BCP a day (thank goodness!)  until I finish the pack.  Then wait for AF and call.

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Where shall I begin? 

My RE’s office has two women in it we deal with on a regular basis.  One, the quasi receptionist/admin and the other, the nurse; and after today’s runaround farce they put my poor husband through, are henceforth known as Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 

Yesterday -we had not received our IVF schedule for the upcoming cycle yet, so I asked Chris to follow up since I had spoken to Tweedledum.  See, Tweedledum insisted we start injectables on May 22nd.  This puts us needing retrevial smack in the middle of our trip east.  (I knew this because I am a nut who has done waaaay too much research on injectables & IVF cycles.)  I asked her, “are you sure about that?” said I. “Oh, Yes”  said Tweedledum.  “Ok, you guys are the professionals”.   Understand, they KNEW about our trip.  Dr. C DISCUSSED it with us.  We voiced our concerns and wanted to be sure that we would be ok doing either before or after.  So after this converstation I tried to convince myself that they had it allllll worked out for us and we would be doing the transfer right before we got on the plane or something.  Right.

The pit in my stomach only got worse when Tuesday came and went with no schedule (hence Chris calling to follow up). I just KNEW they dropped the ball on us.  I could FEEL it for shit’s sake. All I know is, if I was the one to call today instead of Chris…there would have been some furniture moving around this mofo.  And not in a good way.

Well, Chris got the full runaround, dipshit treatment today when we had to deal with both Tweedledee AND Tweedledum either both inisisting or “Thinking” they knew where we stood for our upcoming cycle. The conversations sound somewhat like this:

Chris: Are you sure this is the correct schedule?

Tweedleedee(dum): Oh, yes.  I think you should be fine.

Chris: I don’t want to know what you “think”, I want to know the facts from the doctor.

Tweedledee(dum): Oh, well, let me talk to Dr. C—-.

Chris: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Only to have Tweedledum call him back with the news that we would be coming in first thing tomorrow to get started.   They were both wrong and Chris and I were correct.  I hate being right about others being wrong when it’s important shit like this.  And not even a fucking apology.  Not once a “sorry we misread your chart”, “my bad”, “that was our misreading”…NOTHING.  Goddammit, how hard is that?

I have been absolutely apoplectic this week because this is getting down to the wire with my Lupron wearing off.  I feel like a raw nerve. I feel like we are being ignored…and “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!”.  Sorry…ok ok..I am bat-shit off my rocker between the shots and the BC pills and me just being an emotional nut-job on a NORMAL day, so,  when shit goes down like this…lookout!  This is all I’m saying.

Long story short, we go in tomorrow for our baseline ultrasound and injectable teaching with Dr. C. 

FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally.

Final shot and blood draw completed.  HSG next.

The headaches from the Lupron are unreal.  Sometimes lasting 24 hours!  All the ibuprofen in the world makes no difference.  Hot flashes come and go.  Not as dramatically as last time thank goodness.  It’s hard with Lupron to tell sometimes.  You know how during summer if you’re outside you are usually getting eaten alive by mosquitoes?  Then when you are finally indoors, you still feel like you’re getting bit??  That’s what these side effects are like.  They start to run in with the normal every day pings and pangs of your body until pretty soon you wonder if your just going nuts.  Or is that just the mood swings?  Hmm.

Friggin Lupron.

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Mood swings off the charts–Sometimes I actually fall into despair: “…this is just not worth it… I have totally lost the idea of what having a child even means at this point…This is all so meaningless…”  Add to that some pretty nasty irritability and I am ready to pop off at a moments notice.  Brain thumping headaches that don’t always go away with that prescription dose of Ibuprofen. Like, the kind that hurt behind your eyes?
And the wost?…soreness.  HORRIBLY sore. I take off my bra and it hurts. I dare wear a tee shirt without a one and it feels like I ran two marathons back to back.  An almost unfair level of soreness.  I now sleep in a sports bra all the time.

On another note…still waiting to see what will happen with our second Lupron shot.  We are in the middle of a “who receives?” volley of phone calls and I think I unwittingly set my OBGyn’s nurses against my RE’s nurses.   It’s a virtual medical smack-down.  Tune in later to see who wins…

Cyclesista

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