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It’s another page turned in our book as we close the chapter on this first IVF cycle with our final failed FET and subsequent follow-up with Dr. C.  There is no reason to not go forward with another IVF attempt but we did begin the discussion of “donor” eggs.  It made my heart sink a little bit, because it’s the first time we started having that kind of conversation with our doctor.  It just struck home that mother nature has her course and she’s not open to negotiations.

So…we are taking a break for two months to just clear our heads, eat sushi, drink wine and hopefully travel and I am very much looking forward to it, because truth be told we needed the time off.  There always runs a risk with endometriosis that with each period, more damage is done and more tissue takes hold…but it is what it is and we have to run this race according to our needs.  And this experimental brood mare needs a break.

I feel like this experience has changed me in so many ways.  It’s like you zigzag through stages of grief, like scratch vinyl on a DJ’s turntable.  Since as long as I can remember, it was ingrained that “woman has baby”.  It’s drummed into your head with every doll you get, it’s drummed out with every sex-ed class, it comes back around when you grow out into a young woman and begin romantic relationships…it seems to somehow define what you are.  Once you find that you cannot do this thing, you beat yourself up every time you get the next pregnancy announcement and rage at every news story about another deadbeat mom.  That shell-shocked feeling of worthlessness is something no person on this earth or otherwise can prepare you for.  So you ride it out and hope you get through each day, and the next, and the next.

It has forced me to see my path as a female in a different light.  There is a possibility I will never have my own child.  That I will never know what it feels like to carry  my baby and feel them inside me moving about.  Suffer through the swollen boobs, morning sickness, contractions and birth that is so a part of what some define as “motherhood”.  I am finally understanding…(and it makes me even tear up typing this)…the “moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from.” are every definition of “Mom” that I ever knew.

We all meet challenges that change the course of our lives.  I am finally beginning to understand that it’s how we overcome those challenges that define who we are.

Oy vey, look at me waxing all philosophical.

Pass the nigiri.

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I had my last PIO shot on Friday.  We probably should have finished out the full 7 days, but Chris was rushing to a gig and there was no way I could get up enough courage to stick myself with the big needle so I went without.  Now I just wait for AF to rear her ugly head so I am packing a few emergency pads for the trip east.

I have been keeping an eye on the blogs/fertility boards/Youtube vlogs and watching some women get their BFP’s, others deal with the crushing negative beta results and others just going into their 2ww.  It’s been a gauge for me to anonymously watch some of these ladies go through this experience; secretly following the ones who’s cycles matched mine all the while watching, reading, learning, hoping along with them.  My heart truly aches for the ones who have to start again.  I know that could be us come July, and it’s humbling to read about.

Physically:  I have broken out like a 14 year old.  It’s horrible.  I have gained 7lbs from this roller coaster and have been brought to my knees by the cravings my hormones shackle me with.  It’s insane.

Mentally: I have to be honest, it’s hard to see pregnant women.  Chris and I were in Lowes the other day, and I turned down one aisle, looked up and saw this lovely girl in a yellow tank top and skirt just about 7-8 months along.  There was a bizarre and totally unexpected feeling of worthlessness that came over me by just looking at her.  I was caught unawares and to this moment cannot sort out if I feel awful about feeling like that, or feel awful because I was so aware of it.

Even though I believed I mentally prepared myself for this not going forward, or working out the way we expected, I am still disappointed that we were unable to do a fresh transfer.  I need to get over it right quick and just look towards July.

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Above you will see the first shipment of meds we received for the stim part of our IVF cycle.  Follistim 900iu and Menopur  75 vials along with syringes, alcohol prep pads and sharps boxes for the used needles.

I set my alarm this morning to make sure I started the Follistim at an appropriate time- 7:00AM.  Got everything set up.  Disinfected my area.  Prepped the pen.  Opened an Follistim instruction video on my laptop…aaaand….could not give myself the shot.  I was so desperate for inspiration, I went and woke up Chris who cheered me on with a 1,2,3 count.  All in all, that shot was nothing.  No biggie at ALL. 

We each took our doxycycline and went back to bed. 

Woke up about 2 hours later and (sorry, but this is disgusting) found that I was spotting/bleeding.  Now, Dr. C said to expect this…but holy cow, I was impressed at how quickly it took effect.  Apparently, due to my supressed situation, I am on dosage levels intended for a 40 year old.  I suppose that’s why everything took effect so quickly.  I feel like I have a super light period.

5:30PM- Time for Menopur shot!  Ok, well, this one was a little more uncomfortable.  Chris was a champ.  He mixed both vials of Menopur in the syringe with the 1cc of saline like a doctor.  I braced myself for the pinch of the needle, but should have better expected the burn from the Menopur.  OUCH.  That was a lil’ bitch.  But it’s over and I am not falling apart, so, good day all in all.

Sometimes you get good news, sometimes you get bad news.  Today we got an inkling of good news…my estrogen levels are <32.  Small thing, right?  Big thing to me.  Hey, I’m taking all I can get these days.

We met with Dr. C today and had our teaching.  It really is something to sit there and talk through all of these shots you will eventually be either given or be giving yourself.  *Gulp.  Amazing how you just push yourself to get over the fear of needles right quick. 

Chris spent the better portion of this afternoon pricing out our meds, seeing if we could cut some cost down.  He is a prince.  Our situation is unique since my three month Lupron stint has me supressed already and we need to jump on that fact quickly.  Unfortunately, this leave us less than 48 hours to firm up our financing, get our meds and clear the time for our next ultrasound.  Oy. VEY.

But, here we go…ready or not.

Cyclesista

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