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Hulk Smash

Bleeding has ceased.  Insanity has begun.

It’s either the BCPs or I’m just slipping into the crazy place, but I feel off the wall.  So often throughout the ART processes, you end up injecting/ingesting a cocktail of hormonal, chemical, synthetically engineered meds that invariably turn you into a walking petri dish.   Since January I have either been injecting high/low doses of Lupron Acetate, or Menopur, or Follistim, or stopping/starting  extended packs of Reclipsen (BCP) skipping those little “inactive” sugar pills.  I think I have lost the “touchstone” of my balanced, normal self.

I threw a hair-clip at my husband last night….over laundry duties.  A Hair-clip got air over putting away socks and underwear. It’s just the start of this pressure cooker of emotion that wells up when things get off kilter.  It’s pressure enough being in this place, feeling lost or a mess.  But to add this unstable feeling to it all…it’s unnerving.  I feel like some twisted, big, pink, hormonal Hulk.  What is going on hormones??? I honestly don’t know where I end and this Pink nut-job begins.

It’s time to cash in that Spa Gift Certificate I got for my birthday.

*Update:  Got word from Dr.s office to reduce back to 1 BCP a day (thank goodness!)  until I finish the pack.  Then wait for AF and call.

"I'm Confused"

It’s been a confusing few days here.  Regardless of me stopping BCPs on Tuesday and taking my 20 units of Lupron nightly, the bleeding has not eased the way I hoped it would.  I called Dr.’s office on Friday and left message for a nurse to call me back.  I never got a call.  This frustrated me…a lot.

I finally just sat down with Chris and tapped out an email to my Dr. and shot it over as a last resort.  I didn’t want to call his service as I am not in pain, I needed direction.  Just to indicate how much my RE rocks…he wrote me right back.  Eased my mind and basically explained what he thinks the deal is here:

 

         In a nutshell…he thinks my uterus is confused. 

I have been instructed to stop Lupron and begin taking BCPs 2x a day for at least 1-2 weeks.  Apparently, after starting this, my bleeding should stop in a few days.  If it does not, then that might mean the endometrial lining is thicker than it should be and we might have to take further action more quickly.

 

So that’s the deal.  We are frustrated at our circumstances but we are also comfortable with the knowledge that we are in the right hands.  I wish this weren’t happening.  I wish we could move on our transfer date as scheduled, but patience is once again the only thing on the menu…and I’m not really in the mood to eat. 

Oh well, time to work up an appetite.

"Whenever women are together for more than two days they talk about their periods." - Whoopi Goldberg

I’m going to just say this:  I have been bleeding, bright red, all week long.  Consistently, and reliably.  This would be fine if my usual period was consistently, bright red blood.  Its not.  Usually, I spot for a day or two, have two days of heavy menses, then taper off to dark red/brownish bleeding for a few days.  I’m not sure what to make of this. Let me take a step back before I call the Dr. and go over some possible catalysts for my current situation:

Ok, first off….I have been extremely stressed these past few weeks.  Extremely.  Secondly, I recently started taking the Pill (BCP, Reclipsin, whatever) again to prep for FET.  Come to think of it, I was spotting when I started the Pill on 8/6…and didn’t start this full-on bleed until around the 10th.  Maybe the Reclipsin is the reason for this?  Maybe I have fibroids all of the sudden? I just never saw such bright red blood.  I mean, I’m not soaking a pad an hour or anything.  It’s a fairly steady flow, not a torrent.  I do have light cramping, but it’s on and off and usually only mildly uncomfortable.

I Googled this.  Yes, I know…but you would, too.  It was astonishing how many posts came up about bleeding while pregnant!  I found a few people who asked about bright red blood/spotting during menses, but there wasn’t much more than other lost chicks offering their wise, sage assvice like:  “you could  be pregnant!”.  Um, yeah…thanks Dr. Dumbass…ok.

So, that search ended quickly.

I have decided to give it this week.  If I am still consistently bleeding like this by Friday, I am calling the Dr. C.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Well.  What a bizarre copula days it has been indeed.  An adventure in mental jujitsu.  Let me nutshell it for ya:

Saturday: Brown Spotting

Sunday: Brown Spotting

Monday:Brown Spotting (an hour of “AF” which leads me to think that its here so I called Dr. and reported the news.  They called me back with our upcoming FET schedule and I believed that was that.)

Monday Night:  Go home to find out I am back to spotting again.  Barely soaked a pad.  wtf??  Waited until Tuesday morning thinking I would wake to full AF, but nothing.  Just…you guessed it…brown spotting. 

Tuesday Afternoon:  Called Dr.s office and spoke to Nurse.  She suggested coming in for a blood-test next morning to make sure I didn’t somehow have some miracle pregnancy or something.  (Ya, right). 

Wednesday:  Went in for blood test.  Beta was less than 2.  So there.  Ta Daahhh.  No way, no how, no BFP.

So, I am still spotting, but moving onto BCPs as I am obviously not what I momentarily allowed myself to believe I was.  Note to self…stay OFF THE INTERNET during these times.  Silly girl.  Silly, silly infertile girl.  So, they will bump me up to 20ccs of Lupron instead on the 10ccs I was on last cycle and hopefully this time we will see it through to the end.  Hopefully to a positive result in every way.

 

Mentally:  Um, making a knot and hanging in there.

Physically:  Fatigued, nauseous, sick.  In the middle of a horrible cold.  Runny nose, cough, scratchy throat…the works.

Cyclesista

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