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We got the news today that our baby has stopped growing.

I was fairly certain this past weekend.  I literally felt the symptoms leave me…sore boobs: gone, nausea: gone, lethargy: gone, appetite: gone…and all seemingly overnight.  This made my weekend a weekend of mourning.  I mean, you know you have hit rock bottom emotionally when you find yourself crumpled in a heap on the floor in tears begging your dying embryo to “please grow”.  I have to admit I have been flabbergasted by the waves of emotion that have swept over me.  I thought I had sufficiently prepared myself to handle this.  I read the stories, I did the research, I mined the data…I was fully aware of what was happening to me and that it happens to women all the time.  This did nothing to lessen the wallop of grief that has hit me like a semi truck.

We spend so much time scared we may never get pregnant.  When that day finally comes and you see those two pink lines, the fear does not abate.  The thing I am glad for was giving myself the permission to enjoy it while it was real.  I made a deal not to buy a single thing until well into the second trimester, but I looked at pictures of nurseries online, signed up for weekly emails about what was going on with the baby, daydreamed about waking up to a screaming peanut at 4 in the morning and seeing my husband holding our child at last.  I don’t regret these actions or daydreams…I earned every single one of them.  I am so glad I gave myself that slack and didn’t spend every hour waiting for the other shoe to drop.  (Little did I know I would be doing that enough at 8 weeks.)

What next?

After meeting with Dr. C yesterday, we discussed our options for closing the chapter on this roller-coaster cycle.  The three options: let nature run it’s course, take a pill to induce miscarriage, or get a D&C.  My initial gut reaction was D&C.  It was like, “Get. it. over. with”.  But having around a half hour to think it over…we opted for mother nature’s course.  She’s been so absent from every single part of my infertility treatments that it felt right to step back and just let this happen.  Unfortunately, we don’t know when this is going to happen.  I am walking around wearing the heaviest flow pad I could find just in case it begins earlier than expected.  I will most likely take FMLA work leave and regroup mentally and physically from this as I feel ground down to nothing.

So, now we wait.  I am a little scared of what to expect.  I’m afraid this will be physically painful.  But, it feels like the right call for us.  If nothing happens by Tuesday of next week…well, then we call and go in for the D&C.

All in all, we are grateful for the glimpse of pregnancy.  We are happy to know that at least I CAN get pregnant.  At least this process works.  We made progress in that respect.  It still hurts like hell, but that knowledge at least eases the sting a bit.  I thank you all for your support and your comments.  I am stepping away for a bit on this blog to regroup, but I will be checking in with everyone from time to time to see how you’re all doing.  Wishing you wonderful ladies all your heart’s desire!  Thank you.

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This morning, at work, I felt it coming on.  The emotions.  After reading a few blogs and ending up on an old post about the movie “Up”  I just had to cry it out.  This waiting period, this two week wait or whatever you want to call it…I prefer MTT (mental torture time)…is simply an exercise in time filling.

I think I’m also feeling strangely down since yesterday since the cramping/bloating I was feeling after transfer has disappeared completely.  Strange, right?  That I would lament NOT feeling awful?  But that feeling was my only link to the possibility of something actually happening.  Now, I just feel like I do when I’m taking Endometrin…tired and crabby.  I mean, I don’t even have the stupid cramps today.  Nothing.  I woke up this morning from some crrrrrrazy dreams, though.  But that tends to happen when you eat dinner and literally pass out right after for the night.  The whole crazy dream thing can be easily duplicated with an order of Mushroom Masalawala and a nap.

Christ on a CRACKER!  I sound like a crazy person!

This process makes us crazy mental patients.  Analyzing every migraine, flutter, pop, poop, and smell.  Making something out of nothing.  I have even read women who insist their NAILS were growing faster in the 2ww so that HAD TO mean SOMETHING….RIGHT?  See?  Mental patients.

I am putting so much pressure on myself this round.  We most likely cannot afford another cycle anytime soon so this feels so final.  Yeah, we have eggs frozen, but let’s be honest here…they were 4-cells at best.  I just can’t see how that is nothing more than a pipe dream.  And the concept of beginning the adoption process seems like Mt. Everest, not to mention the cost factor involved there often exceeds IVF!

I guess the main point here is that, at least emotionally, I am losing hope.  I can’t concentrate and can’t set myself up for the pain of another BFN by trying to think PUPO.  I can drink as many spinach fruit smoothies as I want…it’s not going to be the miraculous potion that stops my endo and my cysts and allows those embies to stick.  It will be what it will be and it’s killing me.

Cyclesista

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