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At work and noticing some cramping this morning.  I am convinced this is totally related to the Endometrin insert I did at 7:30am.  Besides the two day long headache I got on Friday afternoon (7dpt) that lasted until Sunday night (9dpt) I can’t say I have had any symptoms that are significant and have resisted attributing them to anything other than the Endometrin inserts.  Any slight, momentary cramping or small bouts of sore bbs I felt this time, also happened the past two transfer cycles so they are nothing different.  I have had no nausea, no spotting, no pulling in abdomen, no food aversions or smell sensitivity at all.  Naturally, this has left me with the distinct feeling and assertion that this cycle is a busted BFN.

Our beta draw is tomorrow morning and I will have them call husband with the news.

It’s funny what we do to ourselves throughout the 2ww.  One day you google “4dp3dt symptoms” and then “5dpt…6dpt”  until the hope dwindles and you start searching “10dpt NO symptoms“.  You start trolling message boards with thread names like “2ww and no symptoms BFPs“, “How late did you get your +“…just for some hope of that miracle story.  I promised myself I would not do this, yet here I am, at work and googling.  Ugh.  Insanity.

This morning, at work, I felt it coming on.  The emotions.  After reading a few blogs and ending up on an old post about the movie “Up”  I just had to cry it out.  This waiting period, this two week wait or whatever you want to call it…I prefer MTT (mental torture time)…is simply an exercise in time filling.

I think I’m also feeling strangely down since yesterday since the cramping/bloating I was feeling after transfer has disappeared completely.  Strange, right?  That I would lament NOT feeling awful?  But that feeling was my only link to the possibility of something actually happening.  Now, I just feel like I do when I’m taking Endometrin…tired and crabby.  I mean, I don’t even have the stupid cramps today.  Nothing.  I woke up this morning from some crrrrrrazy dreams, though.  But that tends to happen when you eat dinner and literally pass out right after for the night.  The whole crazy dream thing can be easily duplicated with an order of Mushroom Masalawala and a nap.

Christ on a CRACKER!  I sound like a crazy person!

This process makes us crazy mental patients.  Analyzing every migraine, flutter, pop, poop, and smell.  Making something out of nothing.  I have even read women who insist their NAILS were growing faster in the 2ww so that HAD TO mean SOMETHING….RIGHT?  See?  Mental patients.

I am putting so much pressure on myself this round.  We most likely cannot afford another cycle anytime soon so this feels so final.  Yeah, we have eggs frozen, but let’s be honest here…they were 4-cells at best.  I just can’t see how that is nothing more than a pipe dream.  And the concept of beginning the adoption process seems like Mt. Everest, not to mention the cost factor involved there often exceeds IVF!

I guess the main point here is that, at least emotionally, I am losing hope.  I can’t concentrate and can’t set myself up for the pain of another BFN by trying to think PUPO.  I can drink as many spinach fruit smoothies as I want…it’s not going to be the miraculous potion that stops my endo and my cysts and allows those embies to stick.  It will be what it will be and it’s killing me.

Back at work. Still bloated and cramping today.  I am super tired and can’t tell if it’s the Endometrin or the fact that my internal clock has shifted from these past few days of bed rest.  Can’t wait to get home.  Not to mention that the air conditioning absolutely stinks here.  I think it’s a solid 80 degrees in my office and I have currently lent my fan to one of the older freelancers upstairs since his office is a hot box with no window.

Ugh, just get me in cool air.  Every now and then I nip into the empty office on the first floor….it’s like Alaska cold in there.

I continue to have small cramping and pulling in my lower abdomen.  That left ovary acts up here and there.  It’s sort of like a feeling of inflammation and it’s just not comfortable.  I want to take some Tylenol but may have to call and see if that’s ok to do right now.  It’s most likely a mild form of OHSS or something.  I’ve felt that inflammation before…and it was much, much worse.

Honestly, I just want to get home, shower and pass out.

May this week go mercifully fast.


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April 2020


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