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fail

As of this moment it’s been 1 month, 29 days and 4 hours since we started the actual IVF “process”.  (i.e; injections, BCP’s and the like).  It’s been about three years since we started the journey just to get to that point.

On Saturday I took my last BCP for this cycle.  It was a small inconvenience each day that I begrudgingly partook in and almost forgot to do several times.  The shots are different somehow.  They are, and I know this is going to sound bizarre, something to look forward to.  What I mean to say is that it’s something that feels tangible representing our march towards the final goal of having a child this round.  How sad is THAT?  When you are looking forward to getting poked by insulin needles….it’s time for a reality check.

I think I am slowly devolving into this type of person that just gets bitter when new reports come on of another kid beaten, or lost, or neglected. I get angry at these women/people who poop out kids and just don’t seem to care much for them.  Like it’s expected that you get married, have the whole ceremony and stuff…then you have kids and stuff.  Y’know?  Right?  I have seen more than just a few couples who went ahead and had kids when they themselves weren’t right.  I have seen so many people mess around and end up with kids that just seem like a burden to them.  This chaps my ass and I get sick of hearing them complain about their lives.  Newsflash…if you didn’t want kids or if you weren’t ready to have them…YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE.  Ugh, it’s pathetic.

There are so many people out there who want children of their own and are struggling.  They want to care for them and be good, present parents…but have fertility issues.  Maybe that’s just it.  Maybe the struggle to get there makes you appreciate the little life you come to be responsible for even more.  Maybe these kids get it just a little bit better than others.  Who knows.  There are many good parents out there who had kids easily, who love them with all their heart.  I just hope the struggle teaches us the right lessons…and doesn’t calcify the resentment I feel right now.

FlightDelayed_500x500_t350

I had my last PIO shot on Friday.  We probably should have finished out the full 7 days, but Chris was rushing to a gig and there was no way I could get up enough courage to stick myself with the big needle so I went without.  Now I just wait for AF to rear her ugly head so I am packing a few emergency pads for the trip east.

I have been keeping an eye on the blogs/fertility boards/Youtube vlogs and watching some women get their BFP’s, others deal with the crushing negative beta results and others just going into their 2ww.  It’s been a gauge for me to anonymously watch some of these ladies go through this experience; secretly following the ones who’s cycles matched mine all the while watching, reading, learning, hoping along with them.  My heart truly aches for the ones who have to start again.  I know that could be us come July, and it’s humbling to read about.

Physically:  I have broken out like a 14 year old.  It’s horrible.  I have gained 7lbs from this roller coaster and have been brought to my knees by the cravings my hormones shackle me with.  It’s insane.

Mentally: I have to be honest, it’s hard to see pregnant women.  Chris and I were in Lowes the other day, and I turned down one aisle, looked up and saw this lovely girl in a yellow tank top and skirt just about 7-8 months along.  There was a bizarre and totally unexpected feeling of worthlessness that came over me by just looking at her.  I was caught unawares and to this moment cannot sort out if I feel awful about feeling like that, or feel awful because I was so aware of it.

Even though I believed I mentally prepared myself for this not going forward, or working out the way we expected, I am still disappointed that we were unable to do a fresh transfer.  I need to get over it right quick and just look towards July.

Tomorrow morning is the first of three Lupron Depot shots. These are to ensure a proper healing phase after my Laparotomy in December 2008. Since I have been on Lupron before, this is nothing new, but I do have to say I am torn.  See? Not getting your period is super fantastic. You go to the gym with ease, you rarely get awful cravings around flo-time and there is no pain every month!! It is lovely.  The pain was truly unbearable and getting it to a manageable place is, and will be, an ongoing process.

It’s just this whole “trying-to-get-pregnant-and have-a-baby” thing that consumes us right now. I know, I know…”boo-hoo”. There are people that have been trying for kids for YEARS. This is a fact that I am slowly starting to snuggle into.  We are becoming those people.  Going on three years of treatments and surgeries for me, yeah…I’m one of those gals now.

Cyclesista

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