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At work and noticing some cramping this morning.  I am convinced this is totally related to the Endometrin insert I did at 7:30am.  Besides the two day long headache I got on Friday afternoon (7dpt) that lasted until Sunday night (9dpt) I can’t say I have had any symptoms that are significant and have resisted attributing them to anything other than the Endometrin inserts.  Any slight, momentary cramping or small bouts of sore bbs I felt this time, also happened the past two transfer cycles so they are nothing different.  I have had no nausea, no spotting, no pulling in abdomen, no food aversions or smell sensitivity at all.  Naturally, this has left me with the distinct feeling and assertion that this cycle is a busted BFN.

Our beta draw is tomorrow morning and I will have them call husband with the news.

It’s funny what we do to ourselves throughout the 2ww.  One day you google “4dp3dt symptoms” and then “5dpt…6dpt”  until the hope dwindles and you start searching “10dpt NO symptoms“.  You start trolling message boards with thread names like “2ww and no symptoms BFPs“, “How late did you get your +“…just for some hope of that miracle story.  I promised myself I would not do this, yet here I am, at work and googling.  Ugh.  Insanity.

This morning, at work, I felt it coming on.  The emotions.  After reading a few blogs and ending up on an old post about the movie “Up”  I just had to cry it out.  This waiting period, this two week wait or whatever you want to call it…I prefer MTT (mental torture time)…is simply an exercise in time filling.

I think I’m also feeling strangely down since yesterday since the cramping/bloating I was feeling after transfer has disappeared completely.  Strange, right?  That I would lament NOT feeling awful?  But that feeling was my only link to the possibility of something actually happening.  Now, I just feel like I do when I’m taking Endometrin…tired and crabby.  I mean, I don’t even have the stupid cramps today.  Nothing.  I woke up this morning from some crrrrrrazy dreams, though.  But that tends to happen when you eat dinner and literally pass out right after for the night.  The whole crazy dream thing can be easily duplicated with an order of Mushroom Masalawala and a nap.

Christ on a CRACKER!  I sound like a crazy person!

This process makes us crazy mental patients.  Analyzing every migraine, flutter, pop, poop, and smell.  Making something out of nothing.  I have even read women who insist their NAILS were growing faster in the 2ww so that HAD TO mean SOMETHING….RIGHT?  See?  Mental patients.

I am putting so much pressure on myself this round.  We most likely cannot afford another cycle anytime soon so this feels so final.  Yeah, we have eggs frozen, but let’s be honest here…they were 4-cells at best.  I just can’t see how that is nothing more than a pipe dream.  And the concept of beginning the adoption process seems like Mt. Everest, not to mention the cost factor involved there often exceeds IVF!

I guess the main point here is that, at least emotionally, I am losing hope.  I can’t concentrate and can’t set myself up for the pain of another BFN by trying to think PUPO.  I can drink as many spinach fruit smoothies as I want…it’s not going to be the miraculous potion that stops my endo and my cysts and allows those embies to stick.  It will be what it will be and it’s killing me.

I am mentally bouncing off the walls and physically beat.  Stayed on moderate bed rest Friday after transfer and semi moderate bed rest yesterday.  Today, I am more up and about, but taking it easy.  Still feeling crampy a little bit so I tend to want to sit and rest more often than not.  Keeping busy is tough.  I would love to go outside and bike ride or start hauling laundry but I can’t right now.  It’s lots of TV, internet and games on my iPhone.  Lah de dah.

All injections are finished for now.  The only thing I am taking are the Endometrin inserts, which are a breeze compared to daily PIO shots.  Also taking my daily prenatal.  Which, oh crap, I should really take right now…

Ok, good thing I got up and did that…I had some eggs I was hard boiling that I TOTALLY forgot about.  Caught ’em just in the nick of time. What a space cadet I am this weekend.

It’s sunny and hot out so we have the A/C on…ahhh….love it.

Had a HUGE craving for smoked salmon this morning, but as I am attempting to eat as if I am PUPO, it is apparently not a good idea.  From what I read, Smoked Salmon is like most lunch meats and soft cheeses which could be contaminated with a small amount of Listeria.  I took no chances and just ended up cooking the salmon into some eggs.  That way any bad bacteria was killed off and I was able to chill out and enjoy my breakfast.

Other than that, it’s back to work  tomorrow.  Boo!

Wink

Rock on with that tampon, sister.

It’s funny the little things that happen along this journey that send me into orbit and into panic mode.

Yesterday morning, in the middle of a meeting at work, I felt like I got my period.  Either that or I needed to start wearing depends.  It was maddening not being able to get up right away and find out what was going on downstairs.  This is when my mind starts inventing horrible scenarios:  “it’s my period and my FET will be canceled”, “it’s bleeding that is not supposed to be happening, right? ” or  “I. am. dying.”

I finally managed to get to the bathroom and found out I had gotten my period.  “How can this be?”  I thought.  I had just stopped BCP’s, this I knew, but I was on Lupron.  Wasn’t Lupron supposed to stop this???  I mean, what the hell?

Left message with Dr.’s office.  The Nurse finally called back hours later confirmed to me that this was ok and totally expected.  REALLY?  Totally ok and expected by WHOM?  YOU?  Not me, that’s for sure.  I wasn’t born yesterday…I get it that when you are taking consistent active BCP’s that you will skip your period.  But I could have used a heads up that the Lupron would not have been the band aid overlap to that once I stopped taking them.  Coulda used that information before I spent a good four hours thinking my ass was on the line for another delay in this already deferred process we are  going through.

Ugh, I am such a sensitive person about this.  Like anything that seems out of the ordinary sets me off into negative territory. Have to get better at dealing with this kind of stuff.

Still, it would have been helpful for them to clue me into this from the get go.

Physically:  Let’s talk about migraines for a moment, shall we?  They come on with Lupron.  They come and they rule.  They rule like weeds in a garden.  The other day at work, I had to go into the ladies bathroom, shut off the lights and lay on the tile just to get my head to a bearable stage.  It happens every single time I am on it and nothing helps.  Le sigh.

Mentally: The usual.  Good days and bad days.  Some days it’s happy time, sunshine and punch lines.  Others its rainy days, decay and malaise.  It is what it is and I take it day by day.

Cyclesista

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