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The Friday afternoon after my negative beta I got drunk.

I got drunk by myself.

I got drunk on a bottle of Prosecco, ate a whole platter of Spanikopita, sat my fat, drunk ass down and watched an episode of “The Jersey Shore”.  This, I have to say…helped. For an hour or so my life seemed pretty ok compared to these Empire State imposters acting the fool and getting all drun-….ok.  Nevermind. 

I started AF on Sunday.  She came on like a bounty hunter and my pride was the prize.  I almost forgot how my body fails me when she’s in town.  The diaper pads, the gas, the pain, the cramps, the flow from hell!!  CHRIST ON A CRACKER  it’s always so DISGUSTING!!  Plus, I’m such a mental patient I refuse to wear a tampon.  Like I’m being some au-natural forest pixie or something. Like I didn’t just down 25 ounces of fermented grapes.  Like it’s gonna help.  Riiiiiiight.

In all honesty, I’m glad she’s here at last because this starts our next round on the FET wheel of fate.  This is when I grab hold of that peg like some glassy-eyed contestant on the “Price is Right”, rock back on my heels and give it another spin. 

Oh boy, do I hope we land on double pink this time around.

Starting BCP’s tomorrow.

I have been on a superstitious bender as of late. Convinced that if I updated, something would go wrong. I have lost the capacity for rational thought when it comes to these treatments.  Please don’t judge me.
Needless to say, here I am…so allow me to catch you up.

Dec. 1st: We finally made it to transfer. Everything went smoothly. Transferred 2 frosties (One 8-cell, one 5-cell).  The worst part was keeping the full bladder. Once the transfer was complete, I had to lay there for 30 minutes before I could get up and relieve myself.  When I say we literally counted the seconds, I am not kidding.   I took the rest of the day on the couch and the following day as well.  Chris was my sweet, doting, fantastic champ the whole time.

Onto 2ww.

Dec 11th: Almost at the end of the 2ww with beta on Monday, Dec 14th.  Does the waiting suck something awful? You bet. Do I feel like the transfer took? Depends on what time of day you ask. I mostly feel nothing.

I feel like this didn’t work at all. There are also times I have had strange pings and pangs, similar to menstrual cramping. Y’know that kind of cramping…where it’s not a literal “cramp”, but an odd centrally located crampish feeling? I dunno, it’s hard to describe. I can only say it’s the same kind of feeling when I have AF.  I have noticed it at night, or when I am sitting or lying down.

I had noticed that on 2dpt & 3dpt I had lots of watery CM.  So much so I had to put on a pantyliner.  At 9dpt I had a bout of CM that looked like my kaslopis had a cold.  Goopy, greenish/yellow CM that looked like…yeah, I’m gonna say it….snot.  Isn’t this process just lovely? I’m dreaming every single night and sleeping very well.

But all these things I have described can be attributed to the 2cc’s of PIO that DH shoots me up with every morning.   See, the of the side effects of Progesterone are identical to pregnancy symptoms.  Couple that with the Estradiol and this is just my body and my mind playing tricks on me.

Dec 14th (Beta Day): Took an HPT this morning…what a BFN joke that was.  Once the beta results came in around 3pm, it solidified it.   Negative, negative, negative.  So there it is.  At least my ass will get a break from those morning PIO shots.  At least I know now that the PIO gives me all the side effect symptoms of a pregnancy.  At least we know what to expect for the next time.  Right?

Honestly, I am sad.  You never want to get your hopes too far up there, but you almost can’t help it at times.  I think to myself: “This is something I am made to do!”.  “Why can’t I just do it already?”.  It took us three years to get to this transfer.  I hung lots of great expectations on it with the full knowledge that it most likely won’t take.  It hurts.  It will pass…but it hurts right now.

Dec 16th: So, here we are.  I have a great big bottle of Prosecco that has my name on it this Friday.  Chris is taking the hopeful road and looking onto our next transfer.  We have stopped the PIO injections as of Dec 15th along with the Estadiol.  I now wait for AF to come to the party so we can start this process again.  We remain humbled with full knowledge that our situation could be so much worse.  Trying to say positive here.

And THAT is December 2009 for us.   TAH-DAHHHHH!

Onward to 2010 and another shot at frozen embryo transfer.

Cyclesista

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