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road-block

We finally met with Dr. C and it now appears that we were correct about those tubes.  Onward to IVF.   It gets exhausting trying to remain positive when you have years of crap news, but Chris has insisted I recite the “Optimist Creed” when I get Chekhovian about it.  I just have a hard time seeing us having any kids of our own at this point.  You know when you can picture how things could go?  You can visualize the outcome of whatever obstacle you face or journey you’re on? Call me dramatic, pessimistic, maudlin, dark..whatever… but I am just so tired of hoping for an outcome that appears so far from reach.  I mean, the only reliable outcome of the whole process has been that we continuously have bumps in the road.

I did try looking into the adoption process today.  Started by reading a few blogs of women who had dealt with it…aaand that was pretty much a bad idea.  It was a little  overwhelming right now.  I have to give serious credit to those women who have dealt with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI’s, failed AI’s, failed IVF’s – yet keep on pushing forward.  They are the light on this path that helps me have an inkling of hope that with the worst tests life has for us, there is a path through the thicket.  Trying to shake this numbing echo chamber of sad regarding all that is going on for us currently is not a thing I can do.  I try all the time.

I know that Chris bears much of the unseen burden as we go on this journey.  He absorbs so much of the misery I throw around that he should get an award for bravery.  He is my good partner, helping cut down insurance red tape, dealing with industry sheeple who cockblock true help at every turn and most importantly – he gives me incredible love and understanding.  I only hope I am able to offer him as much in return as I try to fight off my negativity.

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