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I have tried to focus on what to write over these past few months but just can’t give infertility, that fickle bitch, much more of my energy and time.  It’s been a good run but we are moving on.  Finishing out our final FET sometime in the next month, but honestly…I can’t blog anymore.  It’s not helping the way it used to…its giving me laser focus on our conception issues and with that I had slowly lost focus on the rest of my life.

I cannot express my absolute gratitude for all of you amazing, utterly incredible and inspiring women.  You have strength and fortitude that helps me realize that I am not alone.  I am eternally grateful for your support, comments, good-will, empathy, jokes and camaraderie over these past two years.  It has meant so much to me.

I am still checking in on you all.  I haven’t fallen off the earth…lol.  I am woefully behind on some commenting, but always checking in.  I promise you.

So, we have registered to run the Chicago Marathon this year.  Now, instead of worrying about E2 levels, I’m focusing on run pace, instead of counting cycle days, it’s training miles.  It’s something that I am seeing results from.  I run and push myself, I get faster…results.  And real “results” is something that has been so lacking for us lately.  It is a far cry from the negative cycles, let-downs and delays even when we did every single thing right.  It’s my big “fuck you” to mother nature, perhaps.   : )  Retooling and refocusing to move on career-wise as well…so, wheels are in motion, dust is blown off, and gears oiled to move forward.

And it just feels right.

Anyhow, I just wanted to post this and let you guys know that I didn’t drop off the earth.  I am still here, albeit in a quiet way for now, and I wish you all your bliss…in whatever form it takes and in whatever way you find it!

Love to you all!!!

xo

 

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I have been on a superstitious bender as of late. Convinced that if I updated, something would go wrong. I have lost the capacity for rational thought when it comes to these treatments.  Please don’t judge me.
Needless to say, here I am…so allow me to catch you up.

Dec. 1st: We finally made it to transfer. Everything went smoothly. Transferred 2 frosties (One 8-cell, one 5-cell).  The worst part was keeping the full bladder. Once the transfer was complete, I had to lay there for 30 minutes before I could get up and relieve myself.  When I say we literally counted the seconds, I am not kidding.   I took the rest of the day on the couch and the following day as well.  Chris was my sweet, doting, fantastic champ the whole time.

Onto 2ww.

Dec 11th: Almost at the end of the 2ww with beta on Monday, Dec 14th.  Does the waiting suck something awful? You bet. Do I feel like the transfer took? Depends on what time of day you ask. I mostly feel nothing.

I feel like this didn’t work at all. There are also times I have had strange pings and pangs, similar to menstrual cramping. Y’know that kind of cramping…where it’s not a literal “cramp”, but an odd centrally located crampish feeling? I dunno, it’s hard to describe. I can only say it’s the same kind of feeling when I have AF.  I have noticed it at night, or when I am sitting or lying down.

I had noticed that on 2dpt & 3dpt I had lots of watery CM.  So much so I had to put on a pantyliner.  At 9dpt I had a bout of CM that looked like my kaslopis had a cold.  Goopy, greenish/yellow CM that looked like…yeah, I’m gonna say it….snot.  Isn’t this process just lovely? I’m dreaming every single night and sleeping very well.

But all these things I have described can be attributed to the 2cc’s of PIO that DH shoots me up with every morning.   See, the of the side effects of Progesterone are identical to pregnancy symptoms.  Couple that with the Estradiol and this is just my body and my mind playing tricks on me.

Dec 14th (Beta Day): Took an HPT this morning…what a BFN joke that was.  Once the beta results came in around 3pm, it solidified it.   Negative, negative, negative.  So there it is.  At least my ass will get a break from those morning PIO shots.  At least I know now that the PIO gives me all the side effect symptoms of a pregnancy.  At least we know what to expect for the next time.  Right?

Honestly, I am sad.  You never want to get your hopes too far up there, but you almost can’t help it at times.  I think to myself: “This is something I am made to do!”.  “Why can’t I just do it already?”.  It took us three years to get to this transfer.  I hung lots of great expectations on it with the full knowledge that it most likely won’t take.  It hurts.  It will pass…but it hurts right now.

Dec 16th: So, here we are.  I have a great big bottle of Prosecco that has my name on it this Friday.  Chris is taking the hopeful road and looking onto our next transfer.  We have stopped the PIO injections as of Dec 15th along with the Estadiol.  I now wait for AF to come to the party so we can start this process again.  We remain humbled with full knowledge that our situation could be so much worse.  Trying to say positive here.

And THAT is December 2009 for us.   TAH-DAHHHHH!

Onward to 2010 and another shot at frozen embryo transfer.

Went in for our U/S and blood-work repeat today and the results, as I found out this afternoon, were less than stellar.

Looks like my body is stronger than the Lupron I am taking, and it is ovulating as usual.  My E2 level today was 298, this is up from the 235 on Friday….so that adds up to:  no transfer this month.  I am so sad, and so disappointed.  I feel like I can’t ever hope for good news, because life will always smack me in the face with one thing or another when it comes to this.  My stupid body can push through the Lupron and do the natural thing, but it can’t get pregnant.  Wtf is that?

It’s like some endless, sixth level of hell, never-ending cue at the DMV.

So, I wait for AF.

Again.

Sad

Woke up this morning with pain and pressure and knowledge that this transfer was not going to happen today.  I had a full bladder for the ultrasound, so the car ride into the city was torture with each and every bump.  Once we walked into the clinic, nurse looked at me and her face just dropped.  Usually women arrive for their transfer excited and relieved to finally be at that stage of the IVF process, but today I was just worried and in pain, and she saw it clear as day.

I explained my situation and they did and ultrasound to see if there was any fluid in the abdominal cavity or uterus, which there was none.  We discussed options with Dr. C who is just wonderful.  We have not doubted his council or expertise once throughout this whole process and today was just another one of those days that confirmed our choice of RE as a stellar one.  Basically, out of the seven fertilized eggs, three are 8 cell, two are 6 and two are 4-5 cell.  Dr. C was thrilled to see what good quality they were and advised the option to freeze and do a FET in July.  This will allow me time to recover from what feels like OHSS and (as I like to call it) prep the landing pad of my uterus for those snowbabies in July.

The obvious risk here is to do the transfer today.  If I get pregnant there is a more than likely risk I would have a more severe stage of OHSS which could mean a trip to the emergency room or possible loss of pregnancy.  Being that both my ovaries are big right now (one being so big it’s nestled right on top of my uterus) any more growth would be disastrous.

So….

The bad —- the fact that we will have to wait, that I am in pain now, that our chances for pregnancy with an FET is diminished by 3-4%.

The good —- that I get some pain meds for the pain (oh, Liza!), that I will have recovery time, that I don’t have to worry when I am home for vacation about drinking wine or lifting my nephews/nieces, that I can be in the best possible shape for those embies to be put inside me.

This hasn’t been a pleasant few days since retrieval comfortwise but somehow I knew deep inside that our patience would be tested again.  We will continue with the PIO shots for 10 days and once I get my period I start BCP’s and will call the clinic.  All in all we are trying to look at the upside of all this and keep on keepin’ on.

Cyclesista

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