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Went in for our third viability ultrasound yesterday.  To be completely honest, I felt something was going wrong that morning.  My queasiness has all but dissipated, my fatigue was mostly gone and my bbs were not a horribly sore as they had been a few days back.   I felt all this but tried to brush it from my mind.  When the tech started measuring all the boring stuff around the uterus, I knew then that things weren’t right.  I could see the tiny peanut there, not much bigger than last time.  I mean, I have seen six and seven week ultrasounds…they don’t look like this.

Basically, our peanut has gone from 3 days behind to one full week behind.  There is still a heartbeat flutter, but it’s nothing they can get a lock on to measure.  Or if they did, they certainly didn’t share it with us. The doctor who runs the viability ultrasounds is not our regular RE and she has the bedside manner of a cold turd.  (This happens to be the same doctor who, when I had my HSG two years ago that revealed my two blocked tubes, actually said out loud “Wow, that’s fascinating to see, bad for you, but fascinating!”.  I would like someone to remind her that this isn’t “Grey’s Anatomy”.) Anyhow….she says to us “I’m afraid you may miscarry, so let’s have you come back in a week for another ultrasound.”  The words were still hanging in the air while I was getting changed to leave. “Miscarry…miscarry”.

It’s amazing how you can go from hope to despair in the course of fifteen minutes.

What can I say?  We knew this could happen.  We knew it was so early and that this would mean very little until we could get past the first trimester.  I guess I just hoped that since we struggled for so long to get here, fate would smile on us this one time.  That maybe the stats would make an acception for us and give us a pass.  I don’t think it’s to be.

Chris remains hopeful.  That’s just his style.  It’s one of the many thousand things I so love about that man.  Always looking for the rainbow through the rain.  I guess we truly are the yin and yang with this since I have almost given up hope and have started preparing myself for the worst.

Our 3rd ultrasound is next Thursday.


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July 2020


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