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"Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows.” - David Wolf

Re: Two weeks of bleeding.  Ok…So…Talked to Dr.’s office today.  Went from being totally cancelled to back on the regular schedule.  They originally wanted me to double up my BCPs to hopefully stop bleeding and to totally stop the Lupron.  Then the nurse called me back and told me to hang tight.  So, I waited and finally got the call to just take today’s and tomorrow’s BCPs as usual along with the 20 units of Lupron.  Oook.  So we are back on…for now.  TBD.  Tentative.  Totally have no idea.  Possible cancellation in near future.  Who knows.  Whatever. 

They don’t know if it is a level imbalance, a late menstrual release or something else…but I guess we just continue and will see.  I would have thought they would want me to come in for some blood work or an u/s, but according to the nurse, my chart and timing, of all of this could just be a anomaly that may wind down with the absence of the BCPs. 

I still have a pit in my stomach that this transfer is going to be the longest running joke in our lives.

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"Whenever women are together for more than two days they talk about their periods." - Whoopi Goldberg

I’m going to just say this:  I have been bleeding, bright red, all week long.  Consistently, and reliably.  This would be fine if my usual period was consistently, bright red blood.  Its not.  Usually, I spot for a day or two, have two days of heavy menses, then taper off to dark red/brownish bleeding for a few days.  I’m not sure what to make of this. Let me take a step back before I call the Dr. and go over some possible catalysts for my current situation:

Ok, first off….I have been extremely stressed these past few weeks.  Extremely.  Secondly, I recently started taking the Pill (BCP, Reclipsin, whatever) again to prep for FET.  Come to think of it, I was spotting when I started the Pill on 8/6…and didn’t start this full-on bleed until around the 10th.  Maybe the Reclipsin is the reason for this?  Maybe I have fibroids all of the sudden? I just never saw such bright red blood.  I mean, I’m not soaking a pad an hour or anything.  It’s a fairly steady flow, not a torrent.  I do have light cramping, but it’s on and off and usually only mildly uncomfortable.

I Googled this.  Yes, I know…but you would, too.  It was astonishing how many posts came up about bleeding while pregnant!  I found a few people who asked about bright red blood/spotting during menses, but there wasn’t much more than other lost chicks offering their wise, sage assvice like:  “you could  be pregnant!”.  Um, yeah…thanks Dr. Dumbass…ok.

So, that search ended quickly.

I have decided to give it this week.  If I am still consistently bleeding like this by Friday, I am calling the Dr. C.

Ohmmmmm...

We all deal with stress in life, and mine is no different or better or worse or significant in any way.

I am a stress eater.  I mention it all the time here and in my daily life, so this is really not a confession or anything.  It’s a fact.  I could stop and redirect my stress reduction to working out again, or banging the hell out of a pipe with a socket wrench…but no, I choose to eat.  Last night it was a delicious pair of french bread pizzas.

This process…this bizarre ‘Patience Exam’ as I like to think of it, has been  for me, like some horrible reality show.  Feeling like there are cameras on you with each disappointment, like you are whining for the 400th time about how hard this all is as the nation mocks you.  I had a dream last night that I was sitting in bed watching “The Daily Show” as I usually do.  Jon Stewart was doing his usual satirical take on this, that, or the other thing…and then he turned his aim on me.  ME?  I sat up in bed like “Whuh!?”

And I sat there, in this dream state, watching my whole self get torn to shreds on national tv.  Watching this guy just pick apart my behavior throughout this whole infertility process, my crying, my bitching, my jealousy, my bitterness, my darkness, my laughter, my issues.  On and on.  Tearing apart my entire person.  My entire self.  It. was. humiliating.

Of course it was a dream…but nevertheless…I woke up feeling very small and very alone.  Dreams have a way of lingering after waking from them; like cigarette smoke after a party.  They force you to examine.  To be introspective.   I have been a banshee from time to time throughout this journey and my husband has taken the brunt of it.  I lay out my mea culpas for all to see as I am human and prone to these fits of agony and ecstasy on a whim.

Maybe the dream was just fears personified or maybe it really just was those french bread pizzas digesting.

Maybe I should cut the carbs and start a rock garden.

Or maybe I just need to recalibrate my perspective.

Either way, as of this moment…I am just waiting for AF to show her face so we can move on to our FET.

Went in for our U/S and blood-work repeat today and the results, as I found out this afternoon, were less than stellar.

Looks like my body is stronger than the Lupron I am taking, and it is ovulating as usual.  My E2 level today was 298, this is up from the 235 on Friday….so that adds up to:  no transfer this month.  I am so sad, and so disappointed.  I feel like I can’t ever hope for good news, because life will always smack me in the face with one thing or another when it comes to this.  My stupid body can push through the Lupron and do the natural thing, but it can’t get pregnant.  Wtf is that?

It’s like some endless, sixth level of hell, never-ending cue at the DMV.

So, I wait for AF.

Again.

Cyclesista

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