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"Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows.” - David Wolf

Re: Two weeks of bleeding.  Ok…So…Talked to Dr.’s office today.  Went from being totally cancelled to back on the regular schedule.  They originally wanted me to double up my BCPs to hopefully stop bleeding and to totally stop the Lupron.  Then the nurse called me back and told me to hang tight.  So, I waited and finally got the call to just take today’s and tomorrow’s BCPs as usual along with the 20 units of Lupron.  Oook.  So we are back on…for now.  TBD.  Tentative.  Totally have no idea.  Possible cancellation in near future.  Who knows.  Whatever. 

They don’t know if it is a level imbalance, a late menstrual release or something else…but I guess we just continue and will see.  I would have thought they would want me to come in for some blood work or an u/s, but according to the nurse, my chart and timing, of all of this could just be a anomaly that may wind down with the absence of the BCPs. 

I still have a pit in my stomach that this transfer is going to be the longest running joke in our lives.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Well.  What a bizarre copula days it has been indeed.  An adventure in mental jujitsu.  Let me nutshell it for ya:

Saturday: Brown Spotting

Sunday: Brown Spotting

Monday:Brown Spotting (an hour of “AF” which leads me to think that its here so I called Dr. and reported the news.  They called me back with our upcoming FET schedule and I believed that was that.)

Monday Night:  Go home to find out I am back to spotting again.  Barely soaked a pad.  wtf??  Waited until Tuesday morning thinking I would wake to full AF, but nothing.  Just…you guessed it…brown spotting. 

Tuesday Afternoon:  Called Dr.s office and spoke to Nurse.  She suggested coming in for a blood-test next morning to make sure I didn’t somehow have some miracle pregnancy or something.  (Ya, right). 

Wednesday:  Went in for blood test.  Beta was less than 2.  So there.  Ta Daahhh.  No way, no how, no BFP.

So, I am still spotting, but moving onto BCPs as I am obviously not what I momentarily allowed myself to believe I was.  Note to self…stay OFF THE INTERNET during these times.  Silly girl.  Silly, silly infertile girl.  So, they will bump me up to 20ccs of Lupron instead on the 10ccs I was on last cycle and hopefully this time we will see it through to the end.  Hopefully to a positive result in every way.


Mentally:  Um, making a knot and hanging in there.

Physically:  Fatigued, nauseous, sick.  In the middle of a horrible cold.  Runny nose, cough, scratchy throat…the works.

Went in for our U/S and blood-work repeat today and the results, as I found out this afternoon, were less than stellar.

Looks like my body is stronger than the Lupron I am taking, and it is ovulating as usual.  My E2 level today was 298, this is up from the 235 on Friday….so that adds up to:  no transfer this month.  I am so sad, and so disappointed.  I feel like I can’t ever hope for good news, because life will always smack me in the face with one thing or another when it comes to this.  My stupid body can push through the Lupron and do the natural thing, but it can’t get pregnant.  Wtf is that?

It’s like some endless, sixth level of hell, never-ending cue at the DMV.

So, I wait for AF.



We got our stash of meds for this upcoming FET cycle last week and I am pleased to report that the needles for my Lupron injections are teeeny, teeny, tiny!  This basically means I can give myself these little pricks each day being that they are so close to the size of the Follistim pen needle point.  The Follistim was almost strangely neat to administer because I was always waiting for the prick, and it was always not a big deal.  I dunno, it made me feel like not such a sissy about needles, I suppose.  So along with the Lupron was have the Estridol (Estrace) which has a lovely breakdown on how prolonged use couldcause breast, ovarian and other various nasty types of cancer.  Lov-er-ly.

Physically:  Nothing major to report.  I have fallen off the proverbial wagon when it comes to healthy food since I tend to eat my feelings, this was my kryptonite.

Mentally:  I am trying to just stay zen as long as I can.


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