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anger1

Where shall I begin? 

My RE’s office has two women in it we deal with on a regular basis.  One, the quasi receptionist/admin and the other, the nurse; and after today’s runaround farce they put my poor husband through, are henceforth known as Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 

Yesterday -we had not received our IVF schedule for the upcoming cycle yet, so I asked Chris to follow up since I had spoken to Tweedledum.  See, Tweedledum insisted we start injectables on May 22nd.  This puts us needing retrevial smack in the middle of our trip east.  (I knew this because I am a nut who has done waaaay too much research on injectables & IVF cycles.)  I asked her, “are you sure about that?” said I. “Oh, Yes”  said Tweedledum.  “Ok, you guys are the professionals”.   Understand, they KNEW about our trip.  Dr. C DISCUSSED it with us.  We voiced our concerns and wanted to be sure that we would be ok doing either before or after.  So after this converstation I tried to convince myself that they had it allllll worked out for us and we would be doing the transfer right before we got on the plane or something.  Right.

The pit in my stomach only got worse when Tuesday came and went with no schedule (hence Chris calling to follow up). I just KNEW they dropped the ball on us.  I could FEEL it for shit’s sake. All I know is, if I was the one to call today instead of Chris…there would have been some furniture moving around this mofo.  And not in a good way.

Well, Chris got the full runaround, dipshit treatment today when we had to deal with both Tweedledee AND Tweedledum either both inisisting or “Thinking” they knew where we stood for our upcoming cycle. The conversations sound somewhat like this:

Chris: Are you sure this is the correct schedule?

Tweedleedee(dum): Oh, yes.  I think you should be fine.

Chris: I don’t want to know what you “think”, I want to know the facts from the doctor.

Tweedledee(dum): Oh, well, let me talk to Dr. C—-.

Chris: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Only to have Tweedledum call him back with the news that we would be coming in first thing tomorrow to get started.   They were both wrong and Chris and I were correct.  I hate being right about others being wrong when it’s important shit like this.  And not even a fucking apology.  Not once a “sorry we misread your chart”, “my bad”, “that was our misreading”…NOTHING.  Goddammit, how hard is that?

I have been absolutely apoplectic this week because this is getting down to the wire with my Lupron wearing off.  I feel like a raw nerve. I feel like we are being ignored…and “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!”.  Sorry…ok ok..I am bat-shit off my rocker between the shots and the BC pills and me just being an emotional nut-job on a NORMAL day, so,  when shit goes down like this…lookout!  This is all I’m saying.

Long story short, we go in tomorrow for our baseline ultrasound and injectable teaching with Dr. C. 

FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally.

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calander1

So, the last time we were at this point the procedure was canceled due to discovery of lumps on my uterine walls during the Sonohystogram/practice transfer.  Now we are back to the beginning and I’m hoping nothing comes up to stop us this time.  I’ve started taking low dose BC pills as of 4/18 and will keep on taking them until we start our injections or I hear otherwise.  Talked to Nurse G. today who has us scheduled for a “teaching” on May 6th – which is really more for Chris to learn how to give me injections I assume.  That should be some interesting stuff- Chris sticking an orange with a needle over and over for practice.

I originally thought that we would be doing all this to line up for transfer before our trip, but I guess we missed this most recent cycle so they have us on the next “train” so to speak.  So as of this moment, we should be starting our shots on May 22nd – just in time to travel east.  I am going to have to look into how we pack syringes and medication for air travel.  I’m imagine it’s a very common thing, but I have to prepare!

To be honest, I just want to get our schedule from the RE in my hands.  Being able to look at the dates for each step of IVF makes me feel like we are moving towards something instead of vacillating in the muckity muck neither-world of neither here nor there.

road-block

We finally met with Dr. C and it now appears that we were correct about those tubes.  Onward to IVF.   It gets exhausting trying to remain positive when you have years of crap news, but Chris has insisted I recite the “Optimist Creed” when I get Chekhovian about it.  I just have a hard time seeing us having any kids of our own at this point.  You know when you can picture how things could go?  You can visualize the outcome of whatever obstacle you face or journey you’re on? Call me dramatic, pessimistic, maudlin, dark..whatever… but I am just so tired of hoping for an outcome that appears so far from reach.  I mean, the only reliable outcome of the whole process has been that we continuously have bumps in the road.

I did try looking into the adoption process today.  Started by reading a few blogs of women who had dealt with it…aaand that was pretty much a bad idea.  It was a little  overwhelming right now.  I have to give serious credit to those women who have dealt with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI’s, failed AI’s, failed IVF’s – yet keep on pushing forward.  They are the light on this path that helps me have an inkling of hope that with the worst tests life has for us, there is a path through the thicket.  Trying to shake this numbing echo chamber of sad regarding all that is going on for us currently is not a thing I can do.  I try all the time.

I know that Chris bears much of the unseen burden as we go on this journey.  He absorbs so much of the misery I throw around that he should get an award for bravery.  He is my good partner, helping cut down insurance red tape, dealing with industry sheeple who cockblock true help at every turn and most importantly – he gives me incredible love and understanding.  I only hope I am able to offer him as much in return as I try to fight off my negativity.

Cyclesista

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