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road-block

We finally met with Dr. C and it now appears that we were correct about those tubes.  Onward to IVF.   It gets exhausting trying to remain positive when you have years of crap news, but Chris has insisted I recite the “Optimist Creed” when I get Chekhovian about it.  I just have a hard time seeing us having any kids of our own at this point.  You know when you can picture how things could go?  You can visualize the outcome of whatever obstacle you face or journey you’re on? Call me dramatic, pessimistic, maudlin, dark..whatever… but I am just so tired of hoping for an outcome that appears so far from reach.  I mean, the only reliable outcome of the whole process has been that we continuously have bumps in the road.

I did try looking into the adoption process today.  Started by reading a few blogs of women who had dealt with it…aaand that was pretty much a bad idea.  It was a little  overwhelming right now.  I have to give serious credit to those women who have dealt with surgeries, procedures, ultrasounds, tests, failed cycles, failed IUI’s, failed AI’s, failed IVF’s – yet keep on pushing forward.  They are the light on this path that helps me have an inkling of hope that with the worst tests life has for us, there is a path through the thicket.  Trying to shake this numbing echo chamber of sad regarding all that is going on for us currently is not a thing I can do.  I try all the time.

I know that Chris bears much of the unseen burden as we go on this journey.  He absorbs so much of the misery I throw around that he should get an award for bravery.  He is my good partner, helping cut down insurance red tape, dealing with industry sheeple who cockblock true help at every turn and most importantly – he gives me incredible love and understanding.  I only hope I am able to offer him as much in return as I try to fight off my negativity.

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blocked-tubes

Ok, that HSG I had on Wednesday…well, it sucked.  I have TWO blocked tubes now from the looks of it.  Or as the Doctor on call put it “bad for you, but fascinating to see.”  Well, thanks Doc…normally I can feel that bad all by myself- I don’t need any help.  I completely broke down to Chris after the procedure was over, like some awful Lifetime made for TV movie.  It it amazing how something like that can take it out of you after three years of trying.  So now we wait for our follow up with Dr. C on April 8th.

What is there to say?  My sobfest was just further proof that this has consumed me emotionally and I have to smack myself daily to not sink into a goofy state over it.  And what so many people fail to understand is that  it’s really so much more that just “getting pregnant”.  You get the sense that your very definition of a woman it irrevocably linked to being able to have your own child.  It’s a shitty deal sometimes when that starts to play out backwards.

I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow and I will once again attempt to avoid the mine field of inevitable questions. I honestly just want it to be over with quickly.

Tomorrow morning is the first of three Lupron Depot shots. These are to ensure a proper healing phase after my Laparotomy in December 2008. Since I have been on Lupron before, this is nothing new, but I do have to say I am torn.  See? Not getting your period is super fantastic. You go to the gym with ease, you rarely get awful cravings around flo-time and there is no pain every month!! It is lovely.  The pain was truly unbearable and getting it to a manageable place is, and will be, an ongoing process.

It’s just this whole “trying-to-get-pregnant-and have-a-baby” thing that consumes us right now. I know, I know…”boo-hoo”. There are people that have been trying for kids for YEARS. This is a fact that I am slowly starting to snuggle into.  We are becoming those people.  Going on three years of treatments and surgeries for me, yeah…I’m one of those gals now.

Cyclesista

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