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After reading all the posts from all these courageous women taking part, along with me, in “Blogger’s Unite: Project IF” I am always brought back to the idea of losing a part of myself in this process, so naturally I was struck by JL’s post:

“What if I lose myself along the way? I’ve lost so much during this roller coaster journey — what if I lose the true me somewhere along the road? What if I turn into someone I never wanted to be? What happens then?”

Exactly, what then?  Who am I after this is over?  What does that make me should we be unsuccessful in having our own child…or any child for that matter?  There have been times along this path that I feel like that loss has happened and some strange transformation has been taking place just under my nose.  In some strange way, it continues to take place…out of my control.

There are times I have to prepare myself for this possibility: That I may never be a “mom”.  I tell myself that I will finally be able to stop worrying about shots, and meds, and eating just the right things, about not working out or all these crazy limitations and restrictions I mentally lock myself into during these treatments.  Maybe I can finally take control of my body again.  Maybe this will be the process of letting go.  I can stop stressing out constantly about the next cyst or period, knowing full well that with each comes more endo and more buildup.

Maybe all this time and energy I have been putting into trying to get pregnant can be put into bettering myself.  Getting in shape, getting my degree, moving up and on.  Going to school now is secondary to the treatments.  Seeing friends and family gets bent around the treatments.  Every financial decision is weighed with infertility on the front burner.  It has taken hold of our every breath and every move.  Who am I if I ever give up?  Could I ever forgive myself?  Could Chris ever forgive me?

Who the hell am I, at 34 years old, if I’m not a “mom”?  What do I have left?

I am a wife to a wonderful man.  A good, funny,  infuriating, adorable, gem of a man who has been a stalwart soldier through all this and endured many an emotional breakdown from his walking petri dish of a wife.

I have a great dog.  We could finally have real time for her.  I’m so tired come weekends it’s tough to muster up the energy for a game of frisbee.  Poor lil’ pooch.

I have wonderful friends.  I could finally have time to see them more since I won’t have to worry about crazy mood swings from all the meds or not being able to stand up straight after stims.

I have a great, big, beautiful family.  Many nephews and a button of a niece I could spend tons more time with not worrying about being back in town for ultrasounds, blood-work, shots or retrievals.  Sure, it might remind me of what I can’t do or can’t have…but they are so beautiful, so sweet and so funny…and hey, it’s good perspective when I see tired Mom’s and Dad’s clamoring for ten minutes of private time.  I try to remember that we do have a peaceful and quiet home and Chris and I do get private time together.  Granted I would give anything for that chaos, but you try and take the positives wherever you can.

Some days I despair about where my life is.  So many things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped or planned.  I think I have given up on so many other goals just to have this one thing.  I threw everything I was and everything I am into it and it’s just a jumble now.  Some days parts of me float to the top that I can recognize, other days it’s just a mishmash of feelings.  Even now, as we go into our second try with IVF, I feel myself slowly letting go of this notion of motherhood.  Not to be negative or to throw in the towel, but because I have to slowly find myself again.

Whoever that woman is inside…I need to help her back on her feet.

I follow a few women online who keep blogs about dealing with their infertility or ART…one that I follow closely is Murgdan @ Conceive This!.    Well, I just found out today that they were successful with their transfer and it gives hope to us all going through this.  Congratulations Murgdan!!!

So, good things can happen.

On a personal note, this was a great reminder that ART works.

I needed that reminder today. 🙂

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Above you will see the first shipment of meds we received for the stim part of our IVF cycle.  Follistim 900iu and Menopur  75 vials along with syringes, alcohol prep pads and sharps boxes for the used needles.

I set my alarm this morning to make sure I started the Follistim at an appropriate time- 7:00AM.  Got everything set up.  Disinfected my area.  Prepped the pen.  Opened an Follistim instruction video on my laptop…aaaand….could not give myself the shot.  I was so desperate for inspiration, I went and woke up Chris who cheered me on with a 1,2,3 count.  All in all, that shot was nothing.  No biggie at ALL. 

We each took our doxycycline and went back to bed. 

Woke up about 2 hours later and (sorry, but this is disgusting) found that I was spotting/bleeding.  Now, Dr. C said to expect this…but holy cow, I was impressed at how quickly it took effect.  Apparently, due to my supressed situation, I am on dosage levels intended for a 40 year old.  I suppose that’s why everything took effect so quickly.  I feel like I have a super light period.

5:30PM- Time for Menopur shot!  Ok, well, this one was a little more uncomfortable.  Chris was a champ.  He mixed both vials of Menopur in the syringe with the 1cc of saline like a doctor.  I braced myself for the pinch of the needle, but should have better expected the burn from the Menopur.  OUCH.  That was a lil’ bitch.  But it’s over and I am not falling apart, so, good day all in all.

Expected high today:  82 degrees!!!

Yes, spring is here, spring is here, life is skittles and life is beer…

I’m in a chipper mood today with this absolutely beautiful weather.  I wish Chris wasn’t playing tonight as it is ideal grill & chill weather.  Ah, well.  We have a robin’s nest on our master bathroom window-sill that has two brilliant blue eggs in it.  At least somebody at our house is having babies.  ; )

We have finally ironed out the financing for our cycle, thank goodness.  I really, really hope we are successful this first time through.  The financial burden when you are infertile cuts so deeply both ways because whatever you do, weather it’s adoption or assisted reproduction, your gonna pay.   It’s just a fact of the situation.

Since we are not rich and we currently have some pretty dire debt; this is going to strech us thin.   So my advice to anyone who is looking to start a family – start saving NOW (just in case) and get your checkups NOW.  Do not wait.  That way you are prepared.  And, if you get preg naturally…then you have a little nest egg started in the bank. Ah, nest egg.  Dontcha love when posts come full circle?

If I could go back, I would have gotten a checkup regarding my pain before my wedding.  I would have started saving money in a seperate account for emergencies.  Hindsight is always 20/20…isn’t it?

Cyclesista

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