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After reading all the posts from all these courageous women taking part, along with me, in “Blogger’s Unite: Project IF” I am always brought back to the idea of losing a part of myself in this process, so naturally I was struck by JL’s post:

“What if I lose myself along the way? I’ve lost so much during this roller coaster journey — what if I lose the true me somewhere along the road? What if I turn into someone I never wanted to be? What happens then?”

Exactly, what then?  Who am I after this is over?  What does that make me should we be unsuccessful in having our own child…or any child for that matter?  There have been times along this path that I feel like that loss has happened and some strange transformation has been taking place just under my nose.  In some strange way, it continues to take place…out of my control.

There are times I have to prepare myself for this possibility: That I may never be a “mom”.  I tell myself that I will finally be able to stop worrying about shots, and meds, and eating just the right things, about not working out or all these crazy limitations and restrictions I mentally lock myself into during these treatments.  Maybe I can finally take control of my body again.  Maybe this will be the process of letting go.  I can stop stressing out constantly about the next cyst or period, knowing full well that with each comes more endo and more buildup.

Maybe all this time and energy I have been putting into trying to get pregnant can be put into bettering myself.  Getting in shape, getting my degree, moving up and on.  Going to school now is secondary to the treatments.  Seeing friends and family gets bent around the treatments.  Every financial decision is weighed with infertility on the front burner.  It has taken hold of our every breath and every move.  Who am I if I ever give up?  Could I ever forgive myself?  Could Chris ever forgive me?

Who the hell am I, at 34 years old, if I’m not a “mom”?  What do I have left?

I am a wife to a wonderful man.  A good, funny,  infuriating, adorable, gem of a man who has been a stalwart soldier through all this and endured many an emotional breakdown from his walking petri dish of a wife.

I have a great dog.  We could finally have real time for her.  I’m so tired come weekends it’s tough to muster up the energy for a game of frisbee.  Poor lil’ pooch.

I have wonderful friends.  I could finally have time to see them more since I won’t have to worry about crazy mood swings from all the meds or not being able to stand up straight after stims.

I have a great, big, beautiful family.  Many nephews and a button of a niece I could spend tons more time with not worrying about being back in town for ultrasounds, blood-work, shots or retrievals.  Sure, it might remind me of what I can’t do or can’t have…but they are so beautiful, so sweet and so funny…and hey, it’s good perspective when I see tired Mom’s and Dad’s clamoring for ten minutes of private time.  I try to remember that we do have a peaceful and quiet home and Chris and I do get private time together.  Granted I would give anything for that chaos, but you try and take the positives wherever you can.

Some days I despair about where my life is.  So many things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped or planned.  I think I have given up on so many other goals just to have this one thing.  I threw everything I was and everything I am into it and it’s just a jumble now.  Some days parts of me float to the top that I can recognize, other days it’s just a mishmash of feelings.  Even now, as we go into our second try with IVF, I feel myself slowly letting go of this notion of motherhood.  Not to be negative or to throw in the towel, but because I have to slowly find myself again.

Whoever that woman is inside…I need to help her back on her feet.

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A full week into Lupron and those good ol’ headaches/migraines are back in full swing.  The morning shots are such a breeze now.  Just another part of my morning routine between blending the breakfast smoothie and slapping together lunch.

Had a horrible final exam last night.  Head pounding and completely unable to focus I walked out of there having given all I could muster after a full day of work and lack of sleep.  I’m not feeling so hot about what the results may be but  I did my best and have to leave it at that.

Oh, also on traveling with meds (syringes and Lupron) SOOOOO not a big deal.  I just made it a point to mention to the TSA screeners that there was medication in my carry-on bag and that was that.  I don’t think they even cared, really.  So after that, I feel MUCH better about the concept of traveling and doing IVF.  Since we are going to a wedding in San Fran this weekend I am grateful for the trial run!

Husband and I have finished up our Doxycycline.  I go in for my baseline ultrasound next Wednesday and if all looks good, we could be starting stims at the end of next week.

REMEMBER, CHICKADEES………………

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th – May 1st)!!!

Preparing to travel on Saturday as we start the Lupron/Doxycycline portion of our IVF#2 cycle.  Well, the injections/antibiotics start on Tuesday but I still have to travel for the first time with meds and needles in three days.  I’m not going to stress about it since, from what I’ve read, if you have your stuff clearly marked and in it’s original package you shouldn’t have any real issues.

There is a portion on the TSA website dedicated to traveling with meds that require injection. I’m just keeping that Lupron in the little 14-Day kit it came in, packing a small sharps box and hoping for the best. Some women have gotten notes from their RE’s for the medication but from what I have read, they have never been asked to produce it.  I won’t be getting a note.  The kit I have has a huge scrip sticker on the top with my name on it.

Also, on a random note, trying desperately to avoid coffee.

Anywhoo, taking BCP’s every morning and starting Doxycycline/Lupron (10 units) on Tuesday.

I follow a few women online who keep blogs about dealing with their infertility or ART…one that I follow closely is Murgdan @ Conceive This!.    Well, I just found out today that they were successful with their transfer and it gives hope to us all going through this.  Congratulations Murgdan!!!

So, good things can happen.

On a personal note, this was a great reminder that ART works.

I needed that reminder today. 🙂

Cyclesista

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