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I have been on a superstitious bender as of late. Convinced that if I updated, something would go wrong. I have lost the capacity for rational thought when it comes to these treatments.  Please don’t judge me.
Needless to say, here I am…so allow me to catch you up.

Dec. 1st: We finally made it to transfer. Everything went smoothly. Transferred 2 frosties (One 8-cell, one 5-cell).  The worst part was keeping the full bladder. Once the transfer was complete, I had to lay there for 30 minutes before I could get up and relieve myself.  When I say we literally counted the seconds, I am not kidding.   I took the rest of the day on the couch and the following day as well.  Chris was my sweet, doting, fantastic champ the whole time.

Onto 2ww.

Dec 11th: Almost at the end of the 2ww with beta on Monday, Dec 14th.  Does the waiting suck something awful? You bet. Do I feel like the transfer took? Depends on what time of day you ask. I mostly feel nothing.

I feel like this didn’t work at all. There are also times I have had strange pings and pangs, similar to menstrual cramping. Y’know that kind of cramping…where it’s not a literal “cramp”, but an odd centrally located crampish feeling? I dunno, it’s hard to describe. I can only say it’s the same kind of feeling when I have AF.  I have noticed it at night, or when I am sitting or lying down.

I had noticed that on 2dpt & 3dpt I had lots of watery CM.  So much so I had to put on a pantyliner.  At 9dpt I had a bout of CM that looked like my kaslopis had a cold.  Goopy, greenish/yellow CM that looked like…yeah, I’m gonna say it….snot.  Isn’t this process just lovely? I’m dreaming every single night and sleeping very well.

But all these things I have described can be attributed to the 2cc’s of PIO that DH shoots me up with every morning.   See, the of the side effects of Progesterone are identical to pregnancy symptoms.  Couple that with the Estradiol and this is just my body and my mind playing tricks on me.

Dec 14th (Beta Day): Took an HPT this morning…what a BFN joke that was.  Once the beta results came in around 3pm, it solidified it.   Negative, negative, negative.  So there it is.  At least my ass will get a break from those morning PIO shots.  At least I know now that the PIO gives me all the side effect symptoms of a pregnancy.  At least we know what to expect for the next time.  Right?

Honestly, I am sad.  You never want to get your hopes too far up there, but you almost can’t help it at times.  I think to myself: “This is something I am made to do!”.  “Why can’t I just do it already?”.  It took us three years to get to this transfer.  I hung lots of great expectations on it with the full knowledge that it most likely won’t take.  It hurts.  It will pass…but it hurts right now.

Dec 16th: So, here we are.  I have a great big bottle of Prosecco that has my name on it this Friday.  Chris is taking the hopeful road and looking onto our next transfer.  We have stopped the PIO injections as of Dec 15th along with the Estadiol.  I now wait for AF to come to the party so we can start this process again.  We remain humbled with full knowledge that our situation could be so much worse.  Trying to say positive here.

And THAT is December 2009 for us.   TAH-DAHHHHH!

Onward to 2010 and another shot at frozen embryo transfer.

take it easy

Holy Crap I cannot believe that 2009 is almost over.  This year has been such a roller coaster and I am sure we are nowhere near any sort of final rail on this ride.  I remember jokingly predicting this summer that we would get to Christmas ’09 with no good news on the baby front.  Well I suppose we did get good baby news…about my preggers again SIL, two of my girlfriends (one having their first, the other their second), countless women on Facebook who update CONSTANTLY about their growing bellies, and stupid Kourtney Kardashian…really?.   Yeah, I’m happy for ya, ladies.  It’s so great how you were “surprised” and how you weren’t “even going to start trying until winter”.  That is so awesome that you fell into the family way so swiftly!  Now shut the fuck up about it…k?  Ok, ok…just kidding.  (No…really…dial it down a notch.)  Ha ha…um…yeah.  Shut it.

With everyone else’s “good news”  there always comes another’s bad.  We have seen good people struggle with losses that are unfair and unfortunate.  Every time I find myself getting down about our situation, I think about those people and check myself right quick.  Their ultimate happiness is something we should all be rooting for and we cannot pretend to understand how much more difficult their road is to walk.   I keep them in my heart and continue to hold fast that their “good news” comes along.  They so deserve it.

I started Lupron shots on Sunday and, as usual, the crazies have slowly made their small appearances here and there.  I also take my last BCP today (woot!).  Chris is battling insurance over our Progesterone suppositories that are about to set us back another $500, but that’s how it goes.  Other than that I’m eating better, attempting small bouts of yoga and taking it easy.

It’s been getting colder out here so we are making more fires and chilling out at the house.  It’s cozy good times with a crackling fire, my relaxed husband, our stinky Doritos smellin’ poochie and a cool glass of bubbly.

It’s all about enjoying the good things that are here and now.

Everybody dance!

I didn’t want to post for postings sake the past few weeks.  Why bore you with mundane details of what it’s been like to sit and wait for my cycle to start, if you are dealing with infertility, you already know what that’s like.  I already addressed where I am at, praised the bubbly goodness of Prosecco and kvetched about the weight I have put on from indulging my emotional swings.

With that said, I am happy to report that Auntie Flo decided to make her grand entrance on Sunday.  It’s now take three for this transfer dance and we know the steps pretty well by now. So don’t be surprised when I confess that I fully expect to be laughing about how we got pushed off again by Christmas.  Isn’t that terrible?  I know I should be all excited but I just feel like it’s rote at this point.   I am going to do everything in my mental power to just take this as a blip on the calendar and continue along my happy little path here.

I will update along the way…

"I'm Confused"

It’s been a confusing few days here.  Regardless of me stopping BCPs on Tuesday and taking my 20 units of Lupron nightly, the bleeding has not eased the way I hoped it would.  I called Dr.’s office on Friday and left message for a nurse to call me back.  I never got a call.  This frustrated me…a lot.

I finally just sat down with Chris and tapped out an email to my Dr. and shot it over as a last resort.  I didn’t want to call his service as I am not in pain, I needed direction.  Just to indicate how much my RE rocks…he wrote me right back.  Eased my mind and basically explained what he thinks the deal is here:


         In a nutshell…he thinks my uterus is confused. 

I have been instructed to stop Lupron and begin taking BCPs 2x a day for at least 1-2 weeks.  Apparently, after starting this, my bleeding should stop in a few days.  If it does not, then that might mean the endometrial lining is thicker than it should be and we might have to take further action more quickly.


So that’s the deal.  We are frustrated at our circumstances but we are also comfortable with the knowledge that we are in the right hands.  I wish this weren’t happening.  I wish we could move on our transfer date as scheduled, but patience is once again the only thing on the menu…and I’m not really in the mood to eat. 

Oh well, time to work up an appetite.


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