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“Top 10 Songs That Can Be About Infertility No Matter How Tangential”

Part II

6. So Hard – Dixie Chicks

Okay, this is the song that so many women dealing with infertility hear eventually.  Since two of the three Chicks had IVF, it’s no wonder there would eventually be a song about it.  I wish they would write a whole album of music about their struggles both with IF and the crazy process of IVF.

7. The Heart of Life – John Mayer

“No, it won’t all go the way it should/But I know the heart of life is good.” Its very lovely & personal for me, this song.  It could so easily be Chris’ theme song.  It makes me think of him every time I hear it.  How he has been an absolute prince among men through this entire process.  How he has been able to see the bigger picture for us both when things get the better of me.  How he has worked his ass off so we can at least try to do this.  His patience and understanding should be bottled and sold the world over. Olivejuice, babe.

8. Come Tomorrow – Juliet Lloyd

“You’re well aware of what you’re missing/You count up every sacrifice you’ve made/But don’t you ever stop believing/that it’s worth it all someday”. Another song on heavy ipod rotation.  This song can be about the 2ww or beta results, or just waiting for the next cycle’s window.  I love how she touches on people telling you to be patient and the image of treading water.  She wrote the song about being a struggling musician…but for me, it’s spot on for what we’re going through.

9. Apron Strings – Everything But the Girl

If anything, this song sparks memories of being young, sitting on the floor of our kitchen and watching my mom make dinner.  She has a way of wearing her apron that is beautifully unique only to her and I find myself starting to mimic it as I have grown and begun exploring my own culinary prowess (much to her delight as well as the loving amusement of my brothers).   Maybe it’s also because it’s an 80’s song or something and just brings me back.  Either way, that memory only deepens my own desire to be a mom myself one day.  “He’d look just like me when I was young/And I wonder as the days unwind/Will he have your eyes or mine.”

10. Along the Road – Dan Fogelberg

“Cursing the quest/Courting disaster/Measureless nights forebode/Moments of rest/Glimpses of laughter/Are treasured along the road.” It’s simple and a little bittersweet when you think about losing a little part of yourself in the stumble onward towards what you are fighting for.  It’s about any of us.

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I would be remiss, making any song listing and not mentioning Jamaican reggae singer Lady Saw.  When women around the world open the dialog about our reproductive struggles, it allows those around them to slowly release dogma and antiquated ideas and begin to embrace a supportive, open atmosphere.  She takes on the idea of feeling ashamed about infertility and the wrenching loss of miscarriage:

No Less Than a Woman – Lady Saw

‘This song came to Lady Saw immediately after her second miscarriage. “I wanted to share my pain and allow my fans and all the people to understand a woman’s worth, what we go through, and the pain we endure,” expresses Saw. Saw noticed infertility was a worldwide concern when she revisited her Manhattan doctor every three months for blood work. “I would see a whole new set of women come in with problems more serious than mine. I was like, oh my god…this is a big big universal thing! I thought…let me touch this subject because it is so personal to me and other women.”

‘Infertility is a word that a lot of people are ashamed to mention…Many people are so illiterate when it comes to that word that they act if it is a crime not to have a child, but I don’t think so…” states in her introductory verse. According to Saw, this is the general consensus of many in Jamaica, more specifically the music industry within Jamaica. “People feel if you can’t breed or get pregnant, then you must not be a real woman, but they are not God. If I keep losing these babies and I never have a child of my own, then god knows what is best. It does not change anything. I have three adopted children and still support so many more, so I have a lot of love to give,” she says.’

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"He who hears music, feels his solitude peopled at once." — Robert Browning

Regardless of where you are in life and whatever kinds of struggles come your way, it’s usually something that can be temporarily assuaged by a good song.  I have found this to be true in a hundred ways over the years, and this particular situation is no different.  You usually find yourself listening to something and really listening to the lyrics, really trying to see if this fits.  So, in honor of Nick Hornby and his book “High Fidelity”, I am putting together my totally done before, totally unoriginal play list.

I understand that trying to deconstruct or breakdown art is frowned on in some circles.  One is encouraged to immerse oneself in the piece, to understand the subject matter, the style, period or principles.  I’m gonna go ahead and break these songs down a lil’ bit anyway.  Try to explain how I like to embrace them and how they help me cope.  If anyone is out there reading this, please feel free to comment on what songs, music, art or whatever helps you get through the tough times.  We can share the struggle a bit.

So, with out further ado, I present to you (in no particular order) the first five songs of…

“Top 10 Songs That Can Be About Infertility No Matter How Tangential”

1. No One Said it Would Be Easy – Sheryl Crow

In a way, I like to think this song captures the financial & emotional stresses of infertility for couples.   When she sings about getting sympathy money from his father, or feeling like it’s compromising  standards in the lyric  “It’s just a question of eliminating obstacles” you get a clear picture of the intricacies of laying everything on the line to start a family.

2. The Climb – Miley Cyrus

I was driving home from work when I first heard this song on the radio and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I say this with full control of my faculties as this is, after all, Miley Cyrus and I am apparently a 15 year old deep inside.  It’s pure treacle and strains into sap territory, but essentialy encapsulates what every “guilty pleasure” should be.  With every “ain’t”, “gonna” and “gotta”, you feel a little less crazy and a little more lifted.  Ok Hannah Montana, you got me this time dammit.

3. Deep Freeze – Sandrine

Sandrine’s lyrics are anything but pure sunshine here.  It delves into the darker corners of struggle that make you want to wear lots of black eyeliner and and scowl at pedestrians.  I like that.  She sings about seeing children playing in the street and their “smiling, ugly faces” and eloquently hits a place of bitterness that can only be truly understood by those who have been there.  “They keep on telling me it’s spring time/But I am in deep freeze” goes the lyric.  For someone in the middle of fertility struggles, it sums up that feeling when some Captain Insensitive  says “just relax, it’ll happen” for the 500th time.  It is dark and it’s true and gets heavy rotation on my ipod.

4. Nick of Time – Bonnie Raitt

“When did the choices get so hard?/With so much more at stake/Life gets mighty precious when there’s less of it to waste.

Beautiful song with heartbreaking themes.  Love me some Bonnie Raitt.  ’nuff said.

5. Blessed – Elton John

In an interview with The London Times, Elton John & David Furnish were asked about children: “Do you want kids? Elton: No. I’ll take the perks of being gay where I can get them and that’s one of them for me: gay men are the only group of people who aren’t looked down upon if they don’t have kids”.

But for the David Furnish point of view, (it was) never likely to happen because Elton’s always too busy. He says, “I wanted children. We talked extensively about adopting, but it came down to Elton saying, ‘I’m going to continue to do what I do and it will be very difficult to raise a child with you if I’m not going to be there’.” Furnish, 45, fears he will always be sad about the decision. He adds, “It will be my one regret when I leave this planet; that I never had children of my own, because I really love children.”

It was Bernie Taupin who gave the meaning of the song, with his desire to have children. “Your eyes open up” he declared.  The lyrics gave voice to his desire.

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So there ya go.  Stay tuned for the next five!

low dose BCP

Yeah,  so got started on the BCPs and biding time until the Lupron shots begin.

It’s been awhile since I made any entries and, to be honest, there hasn’t been much to report beyond some pain here and there.  I am 90% sure that my left ovarian cyst has reformed fully because I can feel it.  This makes me less than optimistic regarding the completion of our FET cycle come July.  Chris tends to lean more positive on this, thinking that things will go just fine and I shouldn’t worry.  Easier said than done.

I sometimes feel out of control of my emotions.  I really hate feelings right now.  Feeling nothing at all would be just grand by me.  But being out in public and taken over by sadness is something nobody can explain or prepare you for.  I am one fresh cancelled cycle down- who the fuck am I to feel so saddened?  Where do I get off?  Seriously, sometimes I want to step outside of myself when I get down and smack the shit out of me.

So I am depressed and I am eating my feelings.  What else is new.

anger1

Where shall I begin? 

My RE’s office has two women in it we deal with on a regular basis.  One, the quasi receptionist/admin and the other, the nurse; and after today’s runaround farce they put my poor husband through, are henceforth known as Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 

Yesterday -we had not received our IVF schedule for the upcoming cycle yet, so I asked Chris to follow up since I had spoken to Tweedledum.  See, Tweedledum insisted we start injectables on May 22nd.  This puts us needing retrevial smack in the middle of our trip east.  (I knew this because I am a nut who has done waaaay too much research on injectables & IVF cycles.)  I asked her, “are you sure about that?” said I. “Oh, Yes”  said Tweedledum.  “Ok, you guys are the professionals”.   Understand, they KNEW about our trip.  Dr. C DISCUSSED it with us.  We voiced our concerns and wanted to be sure that we would be ok doing either before or after.  So after this converstation I tried to convince myself that they had it allllll worked out for us and we would be doing the transfer right before we got on the plane or something.  Right.

The pit in my stomach only got worse when Tuesday came and went with no schedule (hence Chris calling to follow up). I just KNEW they dropped the ball on us.  I could FEEL it for shit’s sake. All I know is, if I was the one to call today instead of Chris…there would have been some furniture moving around this mofo.  And not in a good way.

Well, Chris got the full runaround, dipshit treatment today when we had to deal with both Tweedledee AND Tweedledum either both inisisting or “Thinking” they knew where we stood for our upcoming cycle. The conversations sound somewhat like this:

Chris: Are you sure this is the correct schedule?

Tweedleedee(dum): Oh, yes.  I think you should be fine.

Chris: I don’t want to know what you “think”, I want to know the facts from the doctor.

Tweedledee(dum): Oh, well, let me talk to Dr. C—-.

Chris: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Only to have Tweedledum call him back with the news that we would be coming in first thing tomorrow to get started.   They were both wrong and Chris and I were correct.  I hate being right about others being wrong when it’s important shit like this.  And not even a fucking apology.  Not once a “sorry we misread your chart”, “my bad”, “that was our misreading”…NOTHING.  Goddammit, how hard is that?

I have been absolutely apoplectic this week because this is getting down to the wire with my Lupron wearing off.  I feel like a raw nerve. I feel like we are being ignored…and “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!”.  Sorry…ok ok..I am bat-shit off my rocker between the shots and the BC pills and me just being an emotional nut-job on a NORMAL day, so,  when shit goes down like this…lookout!  This is all I’m saying.

Long story short, we go in tomorrow for our baseline ultrasound and injectable teaching with Dr. C. 

FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally.

Cyclesista

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