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w.t.f?

w.t.f?

I feel like I am always bitching about one thing or another on this blog, but it was started for the purpose of venting…so, there you go.

Having said that…I have to mention that I don’t need to hear another story from people who think they understand this process or about how so and so is just like me and finally got pregnant..after 12 YEARS of trying…or how so and so’s uterus fell out while she was giving birth and SHE did IVF.  I mean, how dense are some people?  I’m all happy that “12 years” finally had their kid or that “sliding uterus” actually gave birth, but really?  Really?  This doesn’t help, people.  It’s just…well…it’s rude.  That’s right, I said it.  Rude.  If you really want to talk to me about it…TALK to me.  Don’t give me ham-handed accounts of these horror stories to try to relate.  It will always fail to do what you want it to do.  You will always be insulting and hurtful however good your intentions are.  Ugh, that sounds harsh…but it’s how I’m feeling right now.

It’s something I never understood from the beginning of this journey.  I would read blogs, message boards and support sites and felt like these women were super sensitive.  I used to think, “ok ladies, get over yourselves.  it’s not ALL about YOU and YOUR drama.”  But a funny thing happened…I started IVF.  I began to realize how it really can break you down.  I started to feel like I was going mad.  I started to understand.

It’s not all about “them” or me, it’s about feeling as if you are redefining yourself as a woman in some ways.  It’s not about “drama”, it’s about struggle, disappointment, longing, confusion, desperation, sadness and hope. I don’t want to imply that nobody can ever understand or relate unless they go through this process.  I am just saying that there are complexities involved that are a suprise when they rise to the surface.   Noboby can prepare you for it, so just please, be gentle.

We have our first frozen embryo transfer this month.  We could very concieveabley be completely and totally unsuccessful after all we have been through.  It’s a bitter thought and one I have to keep preparing myself for.  It’s easy to get good news.  It’s the bad you have to pad the landing for.

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low dose BCP

Yeah,  so got started on the BCPs and biding time until the Lupron shots begin.

It’s been awhile since I made any entries and, to be honest, there hasn’t been much to report beyond some pain here and there.  I am 90% sure that my left ovarian cyst has reformed fully because I can feel it.  This makes me less than optimistic regarding the completion of our FET cycle come July.  Chris tends to lean more positive on this, thinking that things will go just fine and I shouldn’t worry.  Easier said than done.

I sometimes feel out of control of my emotions.  I really hate feelings right now.  Feeling nothing at all would be just grand by me.  But being out in public and taken over by sadness is something nobody can explain or prepare you for.  I am one fresh cancelled cycle down- who the fuck am I to feel so saddened?  Where do I get off?  Seriously, sometimes I want to step outside of myself when I get down and smack the shit out of me.

So I am depressed and I am eating my feelings.  What else is new.

abdominal_pain061

So, I went to work Monday and left by 11AM because I could barely walk.  It got to the point where I thought this was going to last at least a week or so which is why I took today off as well.  I am happy to report that I feel SO much better now.  Granted, the bloat is still here a little and the pressure has not really relented, but the pain and cramping that was keeping me from standing up straight has mostly passed.  I am SOOOO relieved.

Now, I kicked myself today to Chris about how maybe I made the the wrong decision on Sunday and maybe I should have transferred which he batted down quickly.  I just needed to hear that I made the right choice now that I feel better.

You want to talk about OHSS?  amirini24 has a vlog entry that bravely sums it up.

anger1

Where shall I begin? 

My RE’s office has two women in it we deal with on a regular basis.  One, the quasi receptionist/admin and the other, the nurse; and after today’s runaround farce they put my poor husband through, are henceforth known as Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 

Yesterday -we had not received our IVF schedule for the upcoming cycle yet, so I asked Chris to follow up since I had spoken to Tweedledum.  See, Tweedledum insisted we start injectables on May 22nd.  This puts us needing retrevial smack in the middle of our trip east.  (I knew this because I am a nut who has done waaaay too much research on injectables & IVF cycles.)  I asked her, “are you sure about that?” said I. “Oh, Yes”  said Tweedledum.  “Ok, you guys are the professionals”.   Understand, they KNEW about our trip.  Dr. C DISCUSSED it with us.  We voiced our concerns and wanted to be sure that we would be ok doing either before or after.  So after this converstation I tried to convince myself that they had it allllll worked out for us and we would be doing the transfer right before we got on the plane or something.  Right.

The pit in my stomach only got worse when Tuesday came and went with no schedule (hence Chris calling to follow up). I just KNEW they dropped the ball on us.  I could FEEL it for shit’s sake. All I know is, if I was the one to call today instead of Chris…there would have been some furniture moving around this mofo.  And not in a good way.

Well, Chris got the full runaround, dipshit treatment today when we had to deal with both Tweedledee AND Tweedledum either both inisisting or “Thinking” they knew where we stood for our upcoming cycle. The conversations sound somewhat like this:

Chris: Are you sure this is the correct schedule?

Tweedleedee(dum): Oh, yes.  I think you should be fine.

Chris: I don’t want to know what you “think”, I want to know the facts from the doctor.

Tweedledee(dum): Oh, well, let me talk to Dr. C—-.

Chris: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Only to have Tweedledum call him back with the news that we would be coming in first thing tomorrow to get started.   They were both wrong and Chris and I were correct.  I hate being right about others being wrong when it’s important shit like this.  And not even a fucking apology.  Not once a “sorry we misread your chart”, “my bad”, “that was our misreading”…NOTHING.  Goddammit, how hard is that?

I have been absolutely apoplectic this week because this is getting down to the wire with my Lupron wearing off.  I feel like a raw nerve. I feel like we are being ignored…and “I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!”.  Sorry…ok ok..I am bat-shit off my rocker between the shots and the BC pills and me just being an emotional nut-job on a NORMAL day, so,  when shit goes down like this…lookout!  This is all I’m saying.

Long story short, we go in tomorrow for our baseline ultrasound and injectable teaching with Dr. C. 

FINALLY. FINALLY. Finally.

Cyclesista

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