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I’m sitting here at work, having undergone a third failed IVF cycle, thinking I was such a pro that it wouldn’t affect me if it didn’t work out.   Who was I kidding?

I write this into the void as I have all but dropped off the blogosphere map this past year and stepped back from infertility and stepped away from the online world.  Reading about it, talking about it, thinking about it made me crazy and it was a much needed sanity break.  So here I am, back to square one and finding no other way to get these feelings off my mind and my heart.  I can’t burden my very understanding and supportive husband anymore with this.  I lean on him so hard and so often I can’t imagine how he is still of such steady mind when it comes to me and how I am dealing with our situation.  I just feel like a big, fat broken record.

The friends I have either don’t have children, have children butd don’t know the first thing of what it’s like to be in our situation, or HAVE been through IVF but are busy with the new babies that resulted from it.  I feel exhausted at the prospect of discussing it, yet I need to do something because I am overcome with sadness today.  I can’t cry anymore.  I can’t handle this pressure on my heart because I feel like it’s breaking.   Every time I think we are done with this avenue, we go back down it and I get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.

I’m not ready for adoption.  I am terrified of it.  In fact, the next person who blithely mentions it to me as some solution to how I feel might just get a verbal shower of profanity in which I make some suggestions to them about how they should be living their lives.  I’m just sick of it.

Can’t be sad anymore because you can’t have babies.  Just adopt and get over it already.   I mean, I have the solution so stop whining.  Stop crying.  Get over this selfish desire to have YOUR OWN child already.  It’s SOOOOO SELFISH!!!  You don’t come to events enough.  You don’t travel enough to come see us.  You don’t do enough for US!!  This whole infertility thing is such a cramp in how we want YOU to operate in OUR lives.

Yes, it’s put a big cramp in our lives as well but how am I supposed to start letting go of this?  Can someone give me the answer for that?  How do I start to let go?  Because until I can let go of  giving birth to our child, I will never be ready to adopt someone elses.  I’m not sure I am ready to give up, so how do I deal with this?  Where do I turn now?

Oh my god, my heart hurts so much today.

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