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All is quiet on the western front. Well, there are some thunderstorms stirring up the pot outside, but in here it’s quiet and cool. I have nothing to report symptom wise. Nada. I promised Chris I would not POAS, so I’m just going to wait for the ax to fall on Wednesday.

On another note…a very positive note…

Celine Dion is preggers after around six IVF rounds. Stuff like this never fails to give hope.

May the rest of us have similar good news soon.

I leave this post with a grateful heart to all the men and women in the armed forces, past and present, who have sacrificed so much for us. Thank you.

AF cramps begin

Endometrin can suck it

Migraines for dinner.

Just checking in to report that I feel physically fine, just tired.  Absolutely zero issues beyond fatigue.  No cramps, no bloating, no sore bbs, no pulling in the abdomen, no flutters or whatever.  Nada.  And for the record, the fatigue is my normal reaction to Progesterone, so that’s no shocker.

What I DO have is copious amounts of discharge from the Endometrin.  Lovely, eh?  But I would still rather have that than two weeks worth of PIO injections.  I try to be diligent that the doses happen every 8 hours and they usually do, give or take 30 minutes or so.  Either way, I end up with enough chalk in my drawers to fill the desks of a whole class of Algebra students.

I’m feeling so emotional this cycle.  I wish I could just shut off my mind.  Sitting here at my desk all day at work does me no favors.  It’s really slow right now and I have TONS of time to just think.  Like a captive audience.  I just wish I could go out and distract myself somehow. I wish I could talk to my girls about all this, but they are in such different places it just ends up being me emotionally vomiting all over them.  Who wants that?  And what would that accomplish anyway?  Just me getting myself worked up again and them playing diligent listener.  What good does that do?  There isn’t much new ground to break here.

Besides, I’m so edgy that it would take one “just adopt” comment to send me careening over the edge of grace.

Basically, I’m this:

When I should really be this:


This morning, at work, I felt it coming on.  The emotions.  After reading a few blogs and ending up on an old post about the movie “Up”  I just had to cry it out.  This waiting period, this two week wait or whatever you want to call it…I prefer MTT (mental torture time)…is simply an exercise in time filling.

I think I’m also feeling strangely down since yesterday since the cramping/bloating I was feeling after transfer has disappeared completely.  Strange, right?  That I would lament NOT feeling awful?  But that feeling was my only link to the possibility of something actually happening.  Now, I just feel like I do when I’m taking Endometrin…tired and crabby.  I mean, I don’t even have the stupid cramps today.  Nothing.  I woke up this morning from some crrrrrrazy dreams, though.  But that tends to happen when you eat dinner and literally pass out right after for the night.  The whole crazy dream thing can be easily duplicated with an order of Mushroom Masalawala and a nap.

Christ on a CRACKER!  I sound like a crazy person!

This process makes us crazy mental patients.  Analyzing every migraine, flutter, pop, poop, and smell.  Making something out of nothing.  I have even read women who insist their NAILS were growing faster in the 2ww so that HAD TO mean SOMETHING….RIGHT?  See?  Mental patients.

I am putting so much pressure on myself this round.  We most likely cannot afford another cycle anytime soon so this feels so final.  Yeah, we have eggs frozen, but let’s be honest here…they were 4-cells at best.  I just can’t see how that is nothing more than a pipe dream.  And the concept of beginning the adoption process seems like Mt. Everest, not to mention the cost factor involved there often exceeds IVF!

I guess the main point here is that, at least emotionally, I am losing hope.  I can’t concentrate and can’t set myself up for the pain of another BFN by trying to think PUPO.  I can drink as many spinach fruit smoothies as I want…it’s not going to be the miraculous potion that stops my endo and my cysts and allows those embies to stick.  It will be what it will be and it’s killing me.


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May 2010


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