Yeah, I’ve been hiding. There is really no other way to put it.  Sorry about that.  I really need to post here as I tend to turn inward during times like this and it’s better I get it out and share it, rather than hold it all in.

Our second FET did happen on February 10th, as planned. They put 4 totsicles in. One of which was a perfect 8 cell, the other three not so hot. (I think it was one 6 cell and two 4/5 cells). Either way, they had lost cells in the defrost and it didn’t really hurt to just pop ’em in there anyway.  They were probably not going to survive.

I feel nothing different from the last FET. Actually this one is a bit physically easier thanks to the Endometrin suppositories I have to take 3x a day. This has been a welcome change from the PIO shots, that’s for sure. The only thing I feel is tired.  This happened last time and is a side effect of the Progesterone.  Tired and emotional.  The “Weepie/Sleepies” as I like to refer to them.  That Progesterone is such a bitch in how it mirrors pregnancy symptoms.  It’s so, so frustrating.  Other than all the side effects, I feel nothing except that this second FET did not work.  This basically means we need to revisit IVF again and start this long process alllllll over.

On another note: I just found out one of my dear friends gave birth today.  What a strange mixture of joy and sadness I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I could feel.  One one side, I am thrilled for my dear friend.  She and her husband deserve every happiness and I couldn’t be more elated for this new journey they will be on together.   Her joy is my joy and this is truly and exciting day.  On the other hand, this event forces me to reprocess the idea that we may never really be able to have children of our own.  We are not at the place where adoption is an option, as so many goofy idealists like to offer up as some “cure-all”.  It’s just hard.  No way around it.

Events like this never fail to shine a bright, hot light on  that painful dark place.  No matter how hard I try to fight all these conflicting emotions, I always end up in tears as it snowballs into a frustrating pile of fishhooks that cannot be untethered from one another.

Anyway…beta is on 2/22.

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