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As I played detective last week, I had figured out that exactly 20 minutes after each Endometrin insert, I have mild cramping. Around 1 hour after, nausea. It’s like clockwork. Further proof that Progesterone causes false pregnancy symptoms for me.  It should give me some measure of control or knowledge over these cycles.  It should help me feel in tune with my body, that I can detect these slight changes and have the wherewithal to understand that it is not a pregnancy, but simple side effects.  Instead, it makes me feel foolish and cheated.

Our beta was a flat failure yesterday.  I was expecting it, but it did not lessen the hurt or quell the tears that followed the news.  I ended up skipping class and coming straight home from work, where sweet Chris was waiting for me with a hug, a kiss and a cocktail.  We are sad.  Well, sad…and I’m mad.  Yeah, that’s right…I’m royally pissed off.  I am angry at all these excuses for parents that try to get rid of their kids or abandon them.  Don’t even get me started on this shit.  I am sick to hell of the over sharing stay-at-home, loser “Facebook Mombies” who are too obsessed with their own spawn to see straight.  I am sick of stupid friends who think it’s so easy for me to just get over this and step away for a year.  WTF is that and who are they to tell me that?  It’s like telling a cancer patient to eat more leafy greens so they can get better!  WHAT?  How hard is it to try some sensitivity and understanding?  Jesus Christ!  See?  It’s all just flapping in the breeze.

Whew.  It felt good to get that out.  It’s not fair for me to knock some of these people, but they just anger me to no end. I spend so much of my day putting on a brave face.  Taking all the stupid comments in stride.  Trying to see all the positives…but sometimes it is just too much and I gotta let it out.

I guess it’s the stages of grief.  I was in denial…for a little while there.  Now I am entering the anger and isolation part.  I can see that.  I have no desire to talk to anyone at all.  No desire to see anyone.   I am embracing it as best I can.  I am raging and letting it all hang out, because that’s who I am and that’s what I do.  Suppressing all these feelings does me no good and does my husband no good.

There is a line that keeps running through my head which sums up how I feel right now perfectly…

“I’m not bitter. I’m mad as hell.” – Helen; Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Ugh, anyway…we will be meeting with Dr. C next week.  I have a list of questions about FSH levels, AMH tests, Clomid Challenges, Micro-IVF and so much more.   We are also toying with taking off March & April for some personal time.  It is obviously sorely needed.  Maybe I can chill out a little bit more and reconcile all these feelings I am going through right now.

Yeah, I’ve been hiding. There is really no other way to put it.  Sorry about that.  I really need to post here as I tend to turn inward during times like this and it’s better I get it out and share it, rather than hold it all in.

Our second FET did happen on February 10th, as planned. They put 4 totsicles in. One of which was a perfect 8 cell, the other three not so hot. (I think it was one 6 cell and two 4/5 cells). Either way, they had lost cells in the defrost and it didn’t really hurt to just pop ’em in there anyway.  They were probably not going to survive.

I feel nothing different from the last FET. Actually this one is a bit physically easier thanks to the Endometrin suppositories I have to take 3x a day. This has been a welcome change from the PIO shots, that’s for sure. The only thing I feel is tired.  This happened last time and is a side effect of the Progesterone.  Tired and emotional.  The “Weepie/Sleepies” as I like to refer to them.  That Progesterone is such a bitch in how it mirrors pregnancy symptoms.  It’s so, so frustrating.  Other than all the side effects, I feel nothing except that this second FET did not work.  This basically means we need to revisit IVF again and start this long process alllllll over.

On another note: I just found out one of my dear friends gave birth today.  What a strange mixture of joy and sadness I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I could feel.  One one side, I am thrilled for my dear friend.  She and her husband deserve every happiness and I couldn’t be more elated for this new journey they will be on together.   Her joy is my joy and this is truly and exciting day.  On the other hand, this event forces me to reprocess the idea that we may never really be able to have children of our own.  We are not at the place where adoption is an option, as so many goofy idealists like to offer up as some “cure-all”.  It’s just hard.  No way around it.

Events like this never fail to shine a bright, hot light on  that painful dark place.  No matter how hard I try to fight all these conflicting emotions, I always end up in tears as it snowballs into a frustrating pile of fishhooks that cannot be untethered from one another.

Anyway…beta is on 2/22.


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February 2010


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