De.cem.ber (dĭ-sěm’bər) n.   Abbr. Dec. : The 12th month of the year in the Gregorian calendar

December 2009:  An awful, horrible, no good month in which I was rejected from college, our FET was a failure, my Aunt passed away and, on Christmas Eve, my sweet husband’s mother lost her long battle with Alzheimer’s.  Each event exponentially worse than the one before.  By December 30th, Chris and I were looking at each other with baffled amazement that we hadn’t lost our minds.  Pain and suffering are relative.  There are always those who have it worse.  This is a given and it is not lost on your humble poster here.  But having acknowledged that, please allow me to say…that was probably the shittiest month we have ever had.

There is lots of selfish guilt that is tied up in all the loss.  I felt a deep shame that we were unable to at least tell my MIL that we were pregnant.  That her son was going to be a father.  I really felt so at fault, more than ever before, for being so damaged by endo that I could not produce this simple thing for her before she left us.  This news.  This event.  The BFP.  The Baby.   It feels very selfish to have wanted to deliver that news. Who knows if she would have understood?  She was so far gone at the end.  Maybe it would have given us a modicum of comfort that we were able to give her this before she was gone.  Who knows?

It’s a dark place when you get deep into it and you start questioning all kinds of decisions you make.  It’s so easy to self flagellate when you struggle with infertility.  It seeps into every event, every aspect of daily life and alters your perspective on it.  No matter how you try and push it into a box and store it out of sight, it always sneaks out and is standing there when you turn around.  And there it was; in all the sadness, standing there at the end of December 2009.  Back again.

But…

It’s now a new year and thank goodness for that. Chris and his family are doing as well as can be expected.  There are moments, and will be moments, but if I have learned anything from my wonderful guy, it’s that life carries on.  You have to live your moments truthfully and honestly…the rest takes care of itself.

We have lived our lives around injections, pills, doctor appointments, transfer dates, luteal phases, periods…you name it.  In 2010, we are going to try and be better about letting that run things.  The goal is to carry on with our life.  Still trying, but not obsessing.  So, yeah “I will have that cup of coffee”.  Thanks.  “Oh wait, I have to be home for my Lupron shot…oh, bother…I’ll just pack it in a bag and take it with”.  We’re drinking wine, taking time and doing fine.

So, having said that…we are on track for our second FET on February 10th.  I finished my BCPs on Monday and am currently doing the 20cc Lupron shuffle.  We go in for bloodwork/ultrasound on the 22nd.

I have also finally started taking college classes!  Woot!!

It’s been a frustrating journey getting here…but here we are.  At the start of the new year.

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