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“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.” -Lao Tzu

I have been in a bit of a foggy transition as of late.  See, I haven’t really posted because I have not had anything of interest to post.  Or at least that’s what I believed…

I basically started this blog for myself.  It was private and locked from all eyes but my own and I was pretty set on it being that way for a long time.  But after reading so many other open blogs by so many other women going through a similar journey, it felt selfish not to share what I was experiencing.  So here I am and it’s been three years of surgeries just to get to the IVF we had five months ago.  It’s been four months since of canceled transfer dates and ups and downs.

Yet, without my knowing it until recently,  I crossed a bridge somewhere in the past few weeks.  I stopped the wondering and wishing and hoping.  I let go of the frustrations and the pain of our situation.  I can’t say how this happened.  Maybe it’s because I started looking at going back to school?  Maybe it’s because the seasons are changing? (I mean, I just LOVE autumn).  Maybe it’s because husband and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary?  Or maybe I just got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.   Anyway you look at it, I feel like I was freed a bit by not placing all my chips on “baby” anymore.  It’s something you read about and it’s something that people tell you, but you just have to come to it in your own time, I suppose.

This does not mean I am giving up or taking a break or slowing down.  That’s the crazy part.  It was just like my mind and body got together behind my back and decided without my analysis that I was going to stop the despair and start looking forward.  I guess it was just time to take a break from the sadness of the journey and let the destination figure itself out.

It’s like Katherine says in “Under the Tuscan Sun”: “When I was a little girl, I used to run around in the fields all day, trying unsuccessfully to catch ladybugs,” she explains. “I’d get tired and lay down for a nap. When I awoke, I’d find the ladybugs walking all over me.” Her lesson is clear, sometimes you have to slow down, be patient and let happiness come to you.

So I don’t care when AF comes.  Y’hear me Auntie!!??  I ain’t missin’ ya, girl.  I have other things I should be enjoying right now.  I think I’ll start with that autumnal color peeking through the leaves during a trip to the arboretum with husband and pooch, glasses of sparkling Prosecco and sleepy Belgian waffle breakfasts on Sunday mornings.   Yep, that sounds like a perfect place to start….

Hulk Smash

Bleeding has ceased.  Insanity has begun.

It’s either the BCPs or I’m just slipping into the crazy place, but I feel off the wall.  So often throughout the ART processes, you end up injecting/ingesting a cocktail of hormonal, chemical, synthetically engineered meds that invariably turn you into a walking petri dish.   Since January I have either been injecting high/low doses of Lupron Acetate, or Menopur, or Follistim, or stopping/starting  extended packs of Reclipsen (BCP) skipping those little “inactive” sugar pills.  I think I have lost the “touchstone” of my balanced, normal self.

I threw a hair-clip at my husband last night….over laundry duties.  A Hair-clip got air over putting away socks and underwear. It’s just the start of this pressure cooker of emotion that wells up when things get off kilter.  It’s pressure enough being in this place, feeling lost or a mess.  But to add this unstable feeling to it all…it’s unnerving.  I feel like some twisted, big, pink, hormonal Hulk.  What is going on hormones??? I honestly don’t know where I end and this Pink nut-job begins.

It’s time to cash in that Spa Gift Certificate I got for my birthday.

*Update:  Got word from Dr.s office to reduce back to 1 BCP a day (thank goodness!)  until I finish the pack.  Then wait for AF and call.

Cyclesista

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