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"Whenever women are together for more than two days they talk about their periods." - Whoopi Goldberg

I’m going to just say this:  I have been bleeding, bright red, all week long.  Consistently, and reliably.  This would be fine if my usual period was consistently, bright red blood.  Its not.  Usually, I spot for a day or two, have two days of heavy menses, then taper off to dark red/brownish bleeding for a few days.  I’m not sure what to make of this. Let me take a step back before I call the Dr. and go over some possible catalysts for my current situation:

Ok, first off….I have been extremely stressed these past few weeks.  Extremely.  Secondly, I recently started taking the Pill (BCP, Reclipsin, whatever) again to prep for FET.  Come to think of it, I was spotting when I started the Pill on 8/6…and didn’t start this full-on bleed until around the 10th.  Maybe the Reclipsin is the reason for this?  Maybe I have fibroids all of the sudden? I just never saw such bright red blood.  I mean, I’m not soaking a pad an hour or anything.  It’s a fairly steady flow, not a torrent.  I do have light cramping, but it’s on and off and usually only mildly uncomfortable.

I Googled this.  Yes, I know…but you would, too.  It was astonishing how many posts came up about bleeding while pregnant!  I found a few people who asked about bright red blood/spotting during menses, but there wasn’t much more than other lost chicks offering their wise, sage assvice like:  “you could  be pregnant!”.  Um, yeah…thanks Dr. Dumbass…ok.

So, that search ended quickly.

I have decided to give it this week.  If I am still consistently bleeding like this by Friday, I am calling the Dr. C.

Looking back on where we have come from, I wish I had been a little pushier in this process from the start.  I am finally starting to do that now, but when you begin- you really put yourselves in the hands of the specialists.  I mean, however much I read on the internet, in books, or on blogs- this does not,  in any way, make me anywhere close to an expert on infertility or the process of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART).  So, it’s scary and intimidating when you first start  learning about estrogen levels, self injecting, sharps boxes, medication vials, medication pens, medication mixing, ultrasounds and all the other confusing stuff you end up doing and dealing with.

I really like Dr.C.  I am comfortable with him.  I feel he has our best interest at heart.  I feel he knows us and knows where we are mentally in all of this.  I’m a pretty loyal person, so if you do right by me, and I feel in my heart that you are coming from the best place….I’m all yours.  Maybe I need to be more of a squeaky wheel?  Maybe I am becoming less and less patient in a process that demands a level of zen-like patience.  Because I have to be honest, I am feeling like our next FET is going to hit a hiccup.  Don’t ask me why.  I’ll admit it, I can summon “Debbie Downer” and start whipping up the storm clouds from time to time…but I’m starting to get paranoid.

I have a hard time with the fact that our transfer is in late September.  Why 2 months?  To get me “perfectly prepped”?  Really?  That’s the answer I got when I pushed back about the date.  So beyond the 20ccs of Lupron, not much else is different from our last FET protocol.  And what about that delay?  I thought the whole point of all this was to jump on my cycles…so that I could avoid periods thus avoiding the growth of new endo THUS having a perfect landing pad for our frosties????  UGH…bbrreeaaatthhhh. 

BREATH!  Oooohhhhmmmmm.  Ok, ok. 
Have to let go and just go with the flow. 

So, on the BCPs daily for now and will start Lupron injections in two weeks.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Well.  What a bizarre copula days it has been indeed.  An adventure in mental jujitsu.  Let me nutshell it for ya:

Saturday: Brown Spotting

Sunday: Brown Spotting

Monday:Brown Spotting (an hour of “AF” which leads me to think that its here so I called Dr. and reported the news.  They called me back with our upcoming FET schedule and I believed that was that.)

Monday Night:  Go home to find out I am back to spotting again.  Barely soaked a pad.  wtf??  Waited until Tuesday morning thinking I would wake to full AF, but nothing.  Just…you guessed it…brown spotting. 

Tuesday Afternoon:  Called Dr.s office and spoke to Nurse.  She suggested coming in for a blood-test next morning to make sure I didn’t somehow have some miracle pregnancy or something.  (Ya, right). 

Wednesday:  Went in for blood test.  Beta was less than 2.  So there.  Ta Daahhh.  No way, no how, no BFP.

So, I am still spotting, but moving onto BCPs as I am obviously not what I momentarily allowed myself to believe I was.  Note to self…stay OFF THE INTERNET during these times.  Silly girl.  Silly, silly infertile girl.  So, they will bump me up to 20ccs of Lupron instead on the 10ccs I was on last cycle and hopefully this time we will see it through to the end.  Hopefully to a positive result in every way.


Mentally:  Um, making a knot and hanging in there.

Physically:  Fatigued, nauseous, sick.  In the middle of a horrible cold.  Runny nose, cough, scratchy throat…the works.

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."-Margaret Thatcher

The Olympics are awesome.  Ok?  Just amazing to watch and totally inspiring in so many ways.  You can’t help getting choked up watching these athletes rise to the challenges and come out triumphant.  It’s such a rush and you hang on every sequence, dismount, shot, or sprint.  Sweaty palms, heart in your throat…waiting for the finish.  I have been in tears more times than I can count each Olympic season.

It’s the same level watching the gut wrenching mistakes, missteps, tumbles and falls.  You can almost feel your stomach drop right along with the athlete.  You’ve been rooting for them…wishing them success.  And you are equally with them for the failures.  The disappointments.  The years of training for the one moment that was not to be.

That’s the hardest part to watch.

You wish for every one; success.  But there has to be Gold medals and there has to be Bronze.  There is always a last place to every first.  A worst time for every best.

And it takes years of hard work.  Years of training.  Years of time away from family or friends.  From vacations and the joys of basic “normalcy” that we all enjoy, to get these amazing people to that point.  It takes dedication and practice.  It takes getting up every time they fall.  Nursing through every broken bone, every ache or pain, with sheer stubborn will to persevere in the face of defeat.

These people, these athletes…are walking inspiration.

I have to think of these incredible women I have come to know.  These unbelievable women, who have been through their own broken bones, and their own pain.  Yet, they have pushed themselves up and kept on walking.   Women who have been through years of infertility treatments; failed IVF’s and FET’s, miscarriages and chemical pregnancies.  Surgeries and scars.  Tears and fights.  Emotional breakdown after emotional breakdown.

These people, these women…they are my walking inspiration.  Every time I want to shut off my phone, or crawl into a hole.  Every time I want to withdraw and just stop “playing the game”.  Every time I feel like I  have a raw deal…I think of them.

I think of Dara Torres.

The road to becoming a mom wasn’t easy for Torres, who struggled with infertility. “There were a lot of ups and downs and it was a really tough time in my life because I had no control.” said Torres. “As an athlete, I’m used to having power over the outcome, I know what I have to do in order to win a race; but with this, there wasn’t anything I could do and there were no guarantees that I would have a baby.”

torres and daughter

UPDATE: After2.5 days of spotting, AF is here full force.  I put in call to Dr.’s office for baseline to start our next FET attempt.  Onward we go?


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August 2009


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