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As of this moment it’s been 1 month, 29 days and 4 hours since we started the actual IVF “process”.  (i.e; injections, BCP’s and the like).  It’s been about three years since we started the journey just to get to that point.

On Saturday I took my last BCP for this cycle.  It was a small inconvenience each day that I begrudgingly partook in and almost forgot to do several times.  The shots are different somehow.  They are, and I know this is going to sound bizarre, something to look forward to.  What I mean to say is that it’s something that feels tangible representing our march towards the final goal of having a child this round.  How sad is THAT?  When you are looking forward to getting poked by insulin needles….it’s time for a reality check.

I think I am slowly devolving into this type of person that just gets bitter when new reports come on of another kid beaten, or lost, or neglected. I get angry at these women/people who poop out kids and just don’t seem to care much for them.  Like it’s expected that you get married, have the whole ceremony and stuff…then you have kids and stuff.  Y’know?  Right?  I have seen more than just a few couples who went ahead and had kids when they themselves weren’t right.  I have seen so many people mess around and end up with kids that just seem like a burden to them.  This chaps my ass and I get sick of hearing them complain about their lives.  Newsflash…if you didn’t want kids or if you weren’t ready to have them…YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE.  Ugh, it’s pathetic.

There are so many people out there who want children of their own and are struggling.  They want to care for them and be good, present parents…but have fertility issues.  Maybe that’s just it.  Maybe the struggle to get there makes you appreciate the little life you come to be responsible for even more.  Maybe these kids get it just a little bit better than others.  Who knows.  There are many good parents out there who had kids easily, who love them with all their heart.  I just hope the struggle teaches us the right lessons…and doesn’t calcify the resentment I feel right now.


We got our stash of meds for this upcoming FET cycle last week and I am pleased to report that the needles for my Lupron injections are teeeny, teeny, tiny!  This basically means I can give myself these little pricks each day being that they are so close to the size of the Follistim pen needle point.  The Follistim was almost strangely neat to administer because I was always waiting for the prick, and it was always not a big deal.  I dunno, it made me feel like not such a sissy about needles, I suppose.  So along with the Lupron was have the Estridol (Estrace) which has a lovely breakdown on how prolonged use couldcause breast, ovarian and other various nasty types of cancer.  Lov-er-ly.

Physically:  Nothing major to report.  I have fallen off the proverbial wagon when it comes to healthy food since I tend to eat my feelings, this was my kryptonite.

Mentally:  I am trying to just stay zen as long as I can.

low dose BCP

Yeah,  so got started on the BCPs and biding time until the Lupron shots begin.

It’s been awhile since I made any entries and, to be honest, there hasn’t been much to report beyond some pain here and there.  I am 90% sure that my left ovarian cyst has reformed fully because I can feel it.  This makes me less than optimistic regarding the completion of our FET cycle come July.  Chris tends to lean more positive on this, thinking that things will go just fine and I shouldn’t worry.  Easier said than done.

I sometimes feel out of control of my emotions.  I really hate feelings right now.  Feeling nothing at all would be just grand by me.  But being out in public and taken over by sadness is something nobody can explain or prepare you for.  I am one fresh cancelled cycle down- who the fuck am I to feel so saddened?  Where do I get off?  Seriously, sometimes I want to step outside of myself when I get down and smack the shit out of me.

So I am depressed and I am eating my feelings.  What else is new.


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June 2009


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