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I had my last PIO shot on Friday.  We probably should have finished out the full 7 days, but Chris was rushing to a gig and there was no way I could get up enough courage to stick myself with the big needle so I went without.  Now I just wait for AF to rear her ugly head so I am packing a few emergency pads for the trip east.

I have been keeping an eye on the blogs/fertility boards/Youtube vlogs and watching some women get their BFP’s, others deal with the crushing negative beta results and others just going into their 2ww.  It’s been a gauge for me to anonymously watch some of these ladies go through this experience; secretly following the ones who’s cycles matched mine all the while watching, reading, learning, hoping along with them.  My heart truly aches for the ones who have to start again.  I know that could be us come July, and it’s humbling to read about.

Physically:  I have broken out like a 14 year old.  It’s horrible.  I have gained 7lbs from this roller coaster and have been brought to my knees by the cravings my hormones shackle me with.  It’s insane.

Mentally: I have to be honest, it’s hard to see pregnant women.  Chris and I were in Lowes the other day, and I turned down one aisle, looked up and saw this lovely girl in a yellow tank top and skirt just about 7-8 months along.  There was a bizarre and totally unexpected feeling of worthlessness that came over me by just looking at her.  I was caught unawares and to this moment cannot sort out if I feel awful about feeling like that, or feel awful because I was so aware of it.

Even though I believed I mentally prepared myself for this not going forward, or working out the way we expected, I am still disappointed that we were unable to do a fresh transfer.  I need to get over it right quick and just look towards July.

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So, I went to work Monday and left by 11AM because I could barely walk.  It got to the point where I thought this was going to last at least a week or so which is why I took today off as well.  I am happy to report that I feel SO much better now.  Granted, the bloat is still here a little and the pressure has not really relented, but the pain and cramping that was keeping me from standing up straight has mostly passed.  I am SOOOO relieved.

Now, I kicked myself today to Chris about how maybe I made the the wrong decision on Sunday and maybe I should have transferred which he batted down quickly.  I just needed to hear that I made the right choice now that I feel better.

You want to talk about OHSS?  amirini24 has a vlog entry that bravely sums it up.

Sad

Woke up this morning with pain and pressure and knowledge that this transfer was not going to happen today.  I had a full bladder for the ultrasound, so the car ride into the city was torture with each and every bump.  Once we walked into the clinic, nurse looked at me and her face just dropped.  Usually women arrive for their transfer excited and relieved to finally be at that stage of the IVF process, but today I was just worried and in pain, and she saw it clear as day.

I explained my situation and they did and ultrasound to see if there was any fluid in the abdominal cavity or uterus, which there was none.  We discussed options with Dr. C who is just wonderful.  We have not doubted his council or expertise once throughout this whole process and today was just another one of those days that confirmed our choice of RE as a stellar one.  Basically, out of the seven fertilized eggs, three are 8 cell, two are 6 and two are 4-5 cell.  Dr. C was thrilled to see what good quality they were and advised the option to freeze and do a FET in July.  This will allow me time to recover from what feels like OHSS and (as I like to call it) prep the landing pad of my uterus for those snowbabies in July.

The obvious risk here is to do the transfer today.  If I get pregnant there is a more than likely risk I would have a more severe stage of OHSS which could mean a trip to the emergency room or possible loss of pregnancy.  Being that both my ovaries are big right now (one being so big it’s nestled right on top of my uterus) any more growth would be disastrous.

So….

The bad —- the fact that we will have to wait, that I am in pain now, that our chances for pregnancy with an FET is diminished by 3-4%.

The good —- that I get some pain meds for the pain (oh, Liza!), that I will have recovery time, that I don’t have to worry when I am home for vacation about drinking wine or lifting my nephews/nieces, that I can be in the best possible shape for those embies to be put inside me.

This hasn’t been a pleasant few days since retrieval comfortwise but somehow I knew deep inside that our patience would be tested again.  We will continue with the PIO shots for 10 days and once I get my period I start BCP’s and will call the clinic.  All in all we are trying to look at the upside of all this and keep on keepin’ on.

Big Belly Undies

So, tomorrow we go in to see what we’ve got to transfer.  I am still, as of this moment, super crampy and heavy in the abdomen.  Nothing eases this- not Tylenol, not a heating pad, not stretching, not lots of water and pineapple…nothing.  It is just there when I get up, move or walk around- and it gets worse whenever I eat.  Let me put it this way…if I was forced at gunpoint to do jumping jacks, I would surrender nuclear codes.   Oh, and the bloating is outrageous!  Last night I was reduced to wearing my “Borat” hospital underwear from back when I had my Laparotomy just so I could be comfortable.

This feeling is of great concern to me since during the ET tomorrow, I believe they will be doing an outer ultrasound on my abdomen…LOTS of pushing down on said abdomen.  Yeah, that is gonna hurt.  I really hope I feel a bit better by then.

Had my first PIO shot yesterday.  Talked Chris into trading out the big needle for the smaller one for the shot.  Not so bad but the soreness afterward is noticeable.  I am allowing the larger needle for tonight’s shot…I hope I don’t regret it.  I mean, it IS and intramuscular shot after all.  Ugh…I just don’t get along with needles.

Cyclesista

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